Monday, November 06, 2006

If only I had brought my broomstick to Chief Ike's

Sometimes when I am particularly drunk, I think it’s funny to make up little lies. It's something I used to do a lot more a couple years ago when I was "out" more than I was "in."

One of my favorites was when some drunk guy would hit on me I’d make up a language. It was usually a mix of bad French and Indian town names. My friends (who were equally intoxicated) would not miss a beat and tell this dude that I was from another country. We’d then spend 20 minutes with him asking me questions, my responding and finally he’d get annoyed (and rightly fucking so) and walk away.

I didn’t say it was clever or cool, I just sometimes make shit up when I'm drunk.

So on Saturday night I went to Chief Ike's for a little after dinner beverage, and I happened to be wearing a cheap amulet necklace. I bought it last year while I was reading The Historian because I thought I needed to be going through a Goth phase while reading a great Dracula book.

So at Chief Ike's, I stumbled upstairs and there was a pack of four dudes standing by the bar, the conversation goes like this:

Dude: Hey, hey.
V: Hey.
Dude: What are you doing up here?
V: Looking around. (true)
Dude: You know anyone up here? (Note: It’s just the upstairs of Chief Ike's not some VIP room)
V: No, I don’t (true).
Dude: Cool. So you here with friends?
V: Yeah, they’re downstairs. I just got done with a dinner party (true).
Dude: Oh cool, we’ve been drinking all day.
V: Oh, okay, well, I’m going to find my friends (true).
Dude: Hey, there is something weird about you.
V: Oh yeah?
Dude: Yeah, I mean what’s up with that necklace?
V: I can’t really tell you. (lie)
Dude (leans in): Why?
V: Well, I swore I wouldn’t (lie).
Dude: I think I already know.
V: Really?
Dude: Yeah, but you have to tell me first.
V: I’m a witch.
Dude: I KNEW IT!
V: Yep, a Wiccan really, but I like to go by witch.
Dude (to his buddies): Hey, she’s a witch.
Buddy: Really?
Dude: Yeah, look at her necklace.
Buddy: I’m a jeweler, can I take a look?
V: Sure, it was given to me by the leader of our coven (lie).
Buddy (looks at it): Yeah, it looks really old.
V: Well, like I said, I got to meet my friends downstairs.
Dude: Wait, can you cast spells?
V: Sure (lie).
Dude (pointing to his buddy): Well, he’s been constipated for two weeks, what can you do for that?

Maybe it was the sad look on his constipated friend's face, maybe it was the mix of red wine and vodka, but I just couldn't do it, I lost it and start laughing.

V: Um, take some Metamucil. Look dude, I’m just fuckin with you, I got this necklace for 20 bucks at Express in the mall. Have a good night.

I talked to my friend Tiff about it the next day, and we were a little disappointed in my lack of commitment to the bit. How sweet would that have been if we all held hands around the friend and chanted “bowel movement, bowel movement?”


Blogger WiB said...

Nah, it's just as well. Saves you the trouble of having to come up with a rhyme for 'bowels.' I mean, because we all know every spell rhymes. If we've learned only one thing from "Charmed," it should be that.

Although you could claim to be the only coven that casts spells in haiku. Just a thought for next time...

11:31 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

So you'd be drunk and a guy would hit on you and you'd say something like "Je suis un ananas chappaqua"?

Yeah after a few minutes of that, I'd be a little annoyed. Or I'd come back with "Bienvenu cayuga".

11:42 AM  
Blogger Kathryn Is So Over said...

Awesome. All my friends and I ever did was say we were Hooters waitresses.

Which, sadly, worked every time.

11:46 AM  
Blogger KassyK said...

I am lol...every year in Cancun me & my friend J would be different personas...I was usually Natalia from Russia or Gabriella from Argentina.

Gabriella worked so well that I had the Mexicans thinking I was hispanic. ME-Hispanic.

If you get your story straight and you are works everytime. :-)

11:51 AM  
Blogger V said...

wib: One of many things, indeed, Charmed is the gift that keeps on giving.

Heather: You got it. Je nais pas Tahlequah, je suis boutros, boutros boutros ghali, etc. (Sorry, watched Ali G marathon over the weekend)

K: Were you sporting pantyhose AND scrunch socks at the same time? That would help sell the the obvious :)

Kassy: :) That's hilarious, a girls gotta keep herself entertained.

11:59 AM  
Blogger Red said...

Oh you should have followed through and pointed your fingers at him after throwing salt, pepper or some spice on him. Then said "A poo a doo doo".

Stoopid drunk boys. Hahaha

12:10 PM  
Blogger V said...

Red: I know, alas, it was just too funny. That poor guy was really trying to help his friend out though ;)

12:47 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

I can't believe you didn't use the whole "That makes two of us who are full of shit." angle. Too obvious perhaps?

2:11 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

I think we all secretly want to believe in spells and magic. They make life seem so much more interesting. Just practice up on your performance art so the next time you don't give it away!

5:05 PM  
Blogger Freckled K said...

This one time I masqueraded as a natural blonde. It was HI-larious.

5:27 PM  
Blogger NotCarrie said...

Poor guy is probably STILL constipated (ew). I love to make stuff up. Once I told people I had to get going bc I had heart surgery the next day. Performing it. not receiving it.

10:52 PM  
Blogger Circe said...

I'm laughing so hard I can't see this page!!!!! Too funny! :)

5:13 PM  

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