Friday, September 22, 2006

More (needless) theories and thoughts on music videos.

When any medium reaches a point where it has a surplus of ego and money, you enter dangerous territory.

The best example of this in movies is Boomerang, starring Eddie Murphy. If you haven’t seen it, let me just sum it up as a coke-induced love letter by the ego of Eddie Murphy to Eddie Murphy.

Essentially, Eddie works in the perfume business (cause it was either that or fashion or Wall Street in late 80s/ early 90s) and he’s got a dick of gold or something and every woman wants him, but he only wants a woman with a perfect manicure or something. And, after he gets “played” by Robin Givens, he settles for a pre-nose job Halle Berry. It’s actually even worse than it sounds, and I watch it every, every time on it’s on TBS.

My point here is that some studio actually liked his pitch because he’s a big star and up until about six months ago, studios hated to tell stars no. Of course now these studios have wised up a bit and Tom Cruise would be the most recent example of telling an actor to “get real,” despite the fact that they were dealing with Tom Cruise.

So some studio said yes, Eddie, we’ll make this piece of crap because you want it and we’ll make you look like a God with little regard for the audience or our own self-respect.

In music videos, we are seeing the exact same thing.

Record labels are financing stars' egos. Granted, a music video is more image-based and trying to get potential CD buyers interested, however, I think that the influx of cool camera angles and decent directors has made music videos even worse.

For example:

“Sexy Back” by Jusin Timberlake

Okay, bitches, put those claws away and listen. I AGREE, the song is hot. I love Timbaland and Justin and I was really excited about the video. But it sucks. Now, it might look good cause they sprung for some sweet cameras and a decent director, but the video is just catering to Justin’s fantasy to be a sexy spy a la James Bond as he chases some lingerie clad model around in a club and then in the hotel room next to his to be followed by what appears to be the worst case of blue balls ever as his dick is so sweet, she has pangs of guilt that she’s going to kill him, and he sees that, runs next door and confirms that in fact someone has been in his room, and he must jump back to hers, hopefully to finish off.

It’s fine to be confused the first time you see it and be like, he’s a spy, but what’s happening? But after the twentieth time when you find yourself going, Oh, he’s a spy and nothing happens then you know it’s just a love letter to Justin's ego. I mean seriously, that kiss at the end of the video in the bathroom almost caused me to shoot milk out my nose.

“Come to Me Now” by Puff and that girl from the Pussy Cat Dolls

Okay, so sure I love Puff, blah, blah, blah, and that girl from the Pussy Cat Dolls (TGFTPCD) is pretty hot, but seriously, why must we always be chasing each other around? This video starts out kinda funny, Diddy in bed with a hottie sleeping next to him and another hottie just chillin in a chair. But then it’s just shots of Puff and TGFTPCD. I know they are in a club and she’s giving him that fuck me stare for some reason. I’ve seen the video like fifty times, and I can’t even think of how the damn song goes. And, the song is certainly not as entertaining as watching puff try to dance. Hasn’t anyone told him he can’t dance? I mean it’s one thing to shuffle and mug for the camera, it’s another thing to actually have coordinated moves with backup dancers. That shit is bananas. I think K-Fed may have more moves than Diddy. Terrible. This video is a series of "hot shots," which is so lame and cliche that I can't believe they wasted those two minutes of my life (multiplied by 15).

“Maneater” by Nelly Furtado

Okay, I feel sorry for this bitch for a lot of reasons. First, how cute was she when she was little and singing in the mud about the lights going off? Really cute. Well she’s back now and working her ass off to make up for lost time and her busted face. She just burning through that "what ladies in hip-hop do" check list (be hot, kinda gangsta, work with good producer, say you’re a slut, say you like bling, rap a little, dance dirty).

And, while I loved Promiscuous Girl, cause, you know, I have a soul, Maneater is just sad. Nelly’s like: “Hey guys, did you see how cool my last video was? Yeah, Timbaland AND Justin were in it!! And, didn’t I look hot in that belly shirt and jeans? And did you see me RAP. With TIMBALAND. On snap, I am so hot right now. No one cares that I was pregger and MIA all these years. So yeah, well, my next video is just as hot, except no one showed up except my dog Toby, a bunch of tattooed back up dancers and a pyromaniac. But it's still really fierce.”

Right. So aside from the fact that she looks really awkward charming those demons with her dancing about (it reminds me of my drunk dance when I have to use the wall to stand but still think it’s a good idea to throw off my shoes and spin, arms out, in circles. I don’t like to remember that shit, and certainly don’t want it incorporated into a music video), it also makes no sense. She's chasing her really cute dog into a circle of hell that happens to also double as a drunk tank, which is then on fire, to be followed by her on a roof at sunrise does not constitute cool or even moderately entertaining. And, I’m not even talking about the song. Cause she sounds like a whiney little girl.

“London Bridge” by Fergie

I’m not really into shooting fish in a barrel, so I’ll keep this brief. While I have many problems with this song (obviously lifted from Gwen and Missy), and her attire (is that a sports bra followed by the shirt to my grandma’s old lady suit), it is the close up shots where they have her laying on the billiards table and she is trying to look pretty and desirable that I feel the most sad for her because she is neither. As Jack Serpentine says, “Looking at that girl makes my dick itch.” Poor, Fergs.


Blogger Needtsza said...

Haven't read the rest, but I saw that Timberland video.....THIS is why Mtv doesn't have videos 23 hours a day!

The videos make no F'n sense and who gives a crap anyway? Blow him up! Don't. whatever!

Bring sexy back? I wanna see naked chicks all over dancing with each other. I like the lighting, but crimaney. How many spies Are there in this world? and do we need to make a video about them all?

ok Bet. This will be in the next Bond film. How much? your 20+4 buy-in?
That's the only reason to have a video like this go with this song.

Meanwhile, not a fan of the song, but that appears to be beside the point of my rant here.

anyway, i'll have to read the rest and piss on that later ;)

10:30 AM  
Blogger Kathryn Is So Over said...

Ah, Jack Serpentine. Always a way with the words... and the ladies... and words about the ladies.

I don't have much else to say because I spent the first few minutes of reading thinking you had that Eddie Murphy movie all wrong... then I realized I was thinking of Bowfinger.

10:37 AM  
Blogger V said...

N: Not sure if the Bond people are ready to take him to him American just yet so I'll def take you up on that.

K: Sista, please, I knows my Boomerang.

10:43 AM  
Blogger KassyK said...

I am lol..BRILLIANT post. What is up with these videos? This is why I don't watch MTV anymore...I love the JT album (love me some Timberland) but these videos...good lordy--could they be anymore self-absorbed?

10:46 AM  
Blogger Needtsza said...

kass, no point in watching mtv anymore unless you wanna watch reruns of road rules, part 12 - the Adventures of going to the bathroom in a van.....again!

and oh yea, V? I was kinda kidding, but some sorta bet is in order.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Oface said...

I don't watch MTV because I'm over 25 so its not cool anymore...

1. Federline better than Diddy dancing????? You do know that Diddy started out as a background dancer for Heavy D don't you???? One of the reasons he dated my current wife J-Lo.....But don't ever make outlandish statements like that again or i'll kidnap your laptop.
2. PCD--chic is fire...
3. Nelly-chic is fire, who gives a shit what she says. Plus she's got a kid to feed so I can't blame her for trying to get a little paper.
4. Fergie-- Man, So thats what a meth head looks like??? I thought it was kris kross when I heard the song on a radio....London f-ing bridges??????

8:04 PM  
Blogger dn said...

"THIS is why Mtv doesn't have videos 23 hours a day!"

I would argue that it's the other way around - since MTV only plays the same 5 videos once a day, there's really no reason for an established artist to make an awesome video. Awesome videos are niche ventures now - hence the OK Go treadmill thingy on YouTube.

And why bother making videos anyway? Everyone knows the music video reached its peak in 1994, when Spike Jonze directed "Sabotage".

8:27 PM  
Anonymous slingblade said...

Now me, ya know ah got dick maid a french fry pertaters.

3:14 PM  
Blogger Patrick J. Fitzgerald said...

Sexy never left, only Michael Powell did.

9:00 AM  
Blogger Floyd said...

Jesus, you white freaks, it's "Timbaland" not "Timberland"! We're talking about the hip-hop producer who's made millions by exploiting the off-beat, not the overpriced suburban hiking boots. I'm embarrassed to share a race with you.

Fergie gives me a big softie. She looks like a troll doll with better tits and worse hair.

7:50 PM  
Blogger Patrick J. Fitzgerald said...

Ms. V,

How do feel about Rep. Ralph Hall and Jack Abramoff's valiant right to work fight for 15 year old nude dancers?

Curioso Fitz

10:51 PM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

But even worse than the hip hop videos now has to be the white emo/punk vids. Like that one where they are running on the treadmills...or there are some other odd ones from groups like Panic at the Disco...

At least I can look at hot people and sometimes good dancing in the other videos...

7:21 AM  
Blogger WiB said...

Boomerang is worth watching (and owning, not that I have it on VHS or anything) if only for the scene with Eddie and John Witherspoon and the mushroom belt/shirt/lining.

And Martin Lawrence's explanation of the racial themes in billiards.

I wouldn't be mad at MTV if their programming was in any way worthwhile, but you're forced to watch god-awful series about spoiled, vapid teenagers and you STILL don't get to see music videos. Comedy Central used to be all stand-up, all the time, but now at least you get the Daily Show and Colbert...

3:44 PM  

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