Guest Blogger Dan: The Bad News Ringtone
Circle V Note: For your Thursday reading pleasure, here is a post from another one of our favorites around here-- the Tornado Slide's Dan.
I love my cell phone, but you know what I don't love?
The extra taxes and surcharges? (Well, yes, but...)
Mr. Hardass I-know-I'm-pissing-at-the-airport-urinal-but-I've-got-to-continue-this-super-important-call-regarding-the-Dondlinger-merger Businessman? (Well, that's a given...)
T-Mobile spokesperson Catherine Zeta-Jones pretending she's still a cocktease, post-Michael Douglas? (Well, yeah, that too...)
I don't love my new phone's selection of ringtones. The dainty, pre-loaded melodies are perfectly suitable for a prepubescent schoolgirl, but are worthless for a man such as myself, a man who has obtained a certain position in life. Of course, the phone companies (and that money-grubbing whore Zeta-Jones) know that my demographic will gladly cough up two dollars or so to acquire a ringtone that is more suitable. We clamor for just the right music to announce a call - something original and ironical, something to prove that we're not just another toolbag with a RAZR stuffed down our pants.
Accordingly, the first ringtone I purchased was the Hova's own "Big Pimpin'"; my Samsung unit masterfully translated its flavorful, horn-laced intro into a ridiculous series of beeps and bloops that always brought a smile to my face. But there was a problem. A big one. And I didn't realize it until it was too late.
Take it from me, fellows - you don't want the phone call that heralds the unexpected death of your godmother to be preceded by a goofy serenade from the Jigga-man.
In light of this unfortunate reality, I am proposing a necessary technological advancement, "The Bad News Ringtone". Less funny but more useful than "The Bad News Bears", this chime will replace your default ringer whenever necessary.
How will it work? It's so terribly simple, even that stupid cow Catherine Zeta-Jones could figure it out!
Step 1. Your girlfriend decides to tell you about the rube that she's been laying a hump into.
Step 2. Thoughtless enough to schlob another man's knob, but kind enough to give you fair warning, the slut dials a special code, followed by your number.
Step 3. Instead of the theme from Monday Night Football, your phone emits a somber noise, preparing you for the worst.
Now, there are some kinks to work out. For starters, I haven't quite determined what the somber noise should be. The sound of an air raid siren seems too severe; instead, something akin to the serious but melodic strains of the Emergency Broadcast System may be more appropriate. In any case, it's a fine idea, and I hope you'll join me in my brave new tomorrow, the era of The Bad News Ringtone.