Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Circle V's tips for her fellas part II, deux

Today, we continue our discussion of successful dating/girlfriend relationships. As you may remember:

Part I. The psychology of a woman (from pick up to hook up)
Part Duex: The fuckin friendship (from dating to girlfriend)
Part II, deux: Broads--what you're really dealing with (from 1-2 years)
Part III: She’s It or She’s It?! (from 2 years to “I do”)

Okay boys, you still with me on this dating advice? As I mentioned last time, you need to build a friendship with fuckin to have a successful relationship. This will create super neato things like trust, honesty and emotional growth. So let's assume you've got that down, moving on--

When it’s good, it’s very, very good:

So you are really digging this girl, you are getting to know her hang-ups, starting to understand how her mother fucked her up (cause they all do) and other quarks, now you’re wondering what you’re really in for. You are zooming into the one-year plus period, you openly say “I love you,” your friends like her, you like her friends (generally) and everything is so great.

This is a tenuous point in a relationship for several reasons.

First, you are setting a course for how your entire relationship will evolve (no pressure!). This means that if when she gets naggy, you yell about something else, and she storms off and bottles it up to be revisited to you later, etc, you are setting that pattern for the future. Essentially, it means that the more bad behaviors and times you tell yourself “you can handle it” and ignore how you really feel, the worse for the relationship.

When I used to sling booze, my douche bag manager would say “Set yourself up for success.” This annoying phrase has stuck with because it implies a lot of personal responsibility. You need to set this relationship up for success. You need to be honest, open and aware of how both of you are acting. You are in the danger zone, it may feel like heaven, but the fact is heaven wears off and if you haven’t been true to yourself, you’re going to wake up with a busted ass angel that you resent.

The best way to keep yourself from effing up the course of your relationship is simple: Talk it out. New serious relationships are a lot like a getting a puppy. Everything is so cute and you want to spend every second with this puppy that you love…then you get sick of the pee puddles and the chewing on your toes and you start to wonder if your neighbor’s puppy does that same thing and maybe you’ve got the wrong puppy and then you start to hate the puppy. But, it’s really your fault because you let that puppy do all that shit because you thought it was cute AT THE TIME. So to keep yourself from hating the puppy, you’re going to need to communicate. A lot. Because if you don’t train that puppy to understand your boundaries and what you want, she’s going to piss all over your shoes time and time again and eventually, you’ll just be with the puppy for the sex. Wait. Moving on from the puppy analogy.

The really great thing about your communicating regularly is that she will trust you more and if a girl trusts you then that’s half the battle. Much of the petty shit that women play comes from a deep fear that they’re going to get hurt, which only happens when they don’t trust you. And, that’s where you get all the passive aggressive behavior and crazy bitch antics that make you want to bounce.

My final point in the "going right" section is that you are aware of the natural twists and turns of the relationship as it settles in for the long haul. You may spend less or more time together, she may pull away a little or you may as well. She may want to take a little time or you might. All of these things are okay in a serious, loving relationship as long as both of have worked on building trust and open communication. Being in a year plus relationship is a big commitment for almost anyone. Depending on the person’s level of relationship experience and maturity level, one or both of you may just need a little time to get adjusted or even figure out that it’s not quite working as is for you. This is NORMAL. Don’t fight these natural bumps more than is absolutely necessary because they are indicative of something that needs a little work--it may not be as bad as you think.

But when it’s bad, it’s horrid:

Admitting when it’s not right. As you start reaching that year plus point in the relationship, things are either going to go really good or really bad. Now you will be in many habits at this point, which may lead you to want to ignore the reality of the relationship. And, this is where mistakes can really happen.

There is this thing in lesbian couples called Lesbian bed death, which found that lesbian relationships are more likely to become less passionate over time. I want you to remember this because it’s also a good sign in general that something is not right in the relationship. If you’d rather rub one out or you have to get her drunk to get freaky, than you’ve got serious problems. The passion is draining out of your relationship and it’s not just sex, trust me. Lack of sex means at the least that you and your partner aren’t talking about what feels good or at worst, it means she’s fooling around on you and doesn’t love you enough to be honest with you about it.

Another important thing for you, my fellas, to remember is the proverbial shit or get off the pot. I have recently seen an increase in men telling women they love them, hanging out for many months, then suddenly realizing the girl “isn’t the one.” While this increases the statistical likelihood of burning some dudes car, it also mean that these guys finally found the cojones to be honest to my girlfriends. In most of these cases, I think they were lying to themselves and my girls about their feelings because it seemed like “the right thing to say” IF they actually felt how they should be feeling. Listen guys, you might love the girl, but not LOVE the girl. And, that’s okay, just spare you both the wasted time and tell her you just don’t want her anymore. Then, watch your back.

Final thoughts:

Serious emotional commitment can stir up all kinds of freaky shit in a person’s psyche. The most common I think for women is trust and for men it’s commitment. There are many others in various combinations. The truth is it is never going to be perfect, and many times not very easy. We are by design selfish, stubborn, and often, self-righteous creatures, and none of those qualities have any place in a successful relationship.

Circle V Notes: When it rains, it pours so be sure to check out today's advice from me and K on First Date DC.

And, thanks to Anon for that kick in the ass to get this post finished up :)


Anonymous bill said...

Very good advice, but I wonder whether the guys who need it most will take the time to read and understand it. There are men who truly enjoy the conversations with a woman that make a relationship work, who know that talk and sex are necessary forms of communication. Others hope that issues can be ignored out of existence, or adopt a "just do whatever she wants" approach. They are the ones least likely to take your advice, V, and most in need of it. The guys who associate talk with bad things make it true for themselves. Frequent talk about what is right in a relationship is essential too.

11:51 AM  
Blogger JoJo said...

You are now my official dating guru. Great advice, V!

12:02 PM  
Blogger Velvet said...

Sex is usually the first thing to go, and the last thing. People lose the passion, realize there's a problem, try to get it back, some succeed, many don't, and the sex is gone again. The relationship is officially over at that point, but many people (myself included) hope for change. It never happens.

12:04 PM  
Blogger V said...

Bill: Thanks, and you may be right, but I still hope it helps some people.

Thanks, Jojo, you got it.

Velvet: It depends on how broke the relationship is, I guess. If it's no sex because of a few little things that built up then I'd think with open communication it could be fixed. Otherwise, you are right, it's probably over.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

Totally agree on the communication thing. It seems to be the hardest part about being in a long-term relationship. How do you make sure you communicate the things that bother you and need to be worked out without harping on the things that you just need to let go? And trust can be SO hard... especially since after that long, the person you're with is one of the ones who can hurt you the most.

As for the sex thing, I read an article a few months back on how there are two sexual types in relationships: the ones who need sex to feel close and the ones who need to feel close to want sex. Sometimes the sexual problems in a relationship come from having one of each. It creates a cycle of not having sex and takes a huge amount of communication and effort to break.

12:34 PM  
Blogger O-FACE said...

Dam more blogdom relationship advice......all these people in DC lonely as hell...just f-ing talk to each other people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2:14 PM  
Blogger KassyK said...

Brilliant post. Enough said. :-)

2:24 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Incorporating the 'Fatal Attraction' photo into a relationship post is pure genius. Loved it.

2:47 PM  
Blogger KassyK said...

BIG PS--Am I am the only girl who has a great mom?!…I don’t just mean a good mother—I mean she is amazing-nurturing…she is the last thing on the planet that would have fucked me up—I got supremely lucky with the parents…its other issues in my youth/adolescence etc. that fucked me up in terms of men. SOOO I have to add that not all girls are fucked up bc of their mothers (or fathers).

3:09 PM  
Blogger V said...

Rebecca: Sounds like a very interesting article, I haven't thought of that before, and it seems really accurate.

O: We are not all so lucky as you to have our relationship shit together...

Phil: All for you, my man. PS when do I get my DVD?

Kassy: You are very lucky indeed! That's great that you have such good parents. I have just a couple complaints, but all in all I also can blame my parents for just a few of my hang ups.

3:27 PM  
Blogger KassyK said...

V-I know...I am VERY VERY lucky and VERY VERY grateful. :-)

3:52 PM  
Blogger Virgle Kent said...

"You rocked the shit out of this one!"

7:09 PM  
Blogger Floyd said...

V, nice work, but I couldn't disagree more with your statement about decreasing sex equaling relationship dysfunction. This is a common misconception, largely based on questionable research such as the "lesbian bed death" by Ms. Schwartz.

Passion will ALWAYS decrease over time, no matter the circumstances of the relationship. Believing otherwise is to believe in a fairy tale. At best, a decrease in sex between long-term partners merely means that sexual interest has died down. "The shiny new shoes" are merely getting worn in. That's ALL it means. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, and to assume there is is often the genesis of relationship problems.

Temptation to have sex with others is perfectly natural as well, and shouldn't be taken as a sign of trouble unless you find yourself unable to control your urges. A HUGE misconception in our society is that once you fall in love, you will only be sexually attracted to your significant other. People take urges to cheat as a sign that they SHOULD cheat because they're obviously unhappy with the one they're with. They couldn't be more wrong.

Now, if you have to get drunk or masturbate to arouse sexual interest, it very possibly means you have a sexual disorder(bad) or a fetish of some kind (neutral). Or you're just getting older, your mate has gotten fatter, etc.

My elongated point being, decreasing sex is not necessarily a warning sign, and using alarmist language linking it to serious relationship problems may just lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

11:48 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

"The really great thing about your communicating regularly is that she will trust you more and if a girl trusts you then that’s half the battle. Much of the petty shit that women play comes from a deep fear that they’re going to get hurt, which only happens when they don’t trust you"

ding ding ding... I totally agree

GREAT post!

7:53 AM  
Blogger Irish Red said...


3:21 PM  
Blogger V said...

Thanks to those who liked it. I'm working on the long term post now.

And, Floyd, I am not talking about the usual kinds of slow down, but the actual lack of passion. There is a BIG difference and certainly a lack in that passion does call for some serious consideration.

3:55 PM  
Blogger Floyd said...

Even replacing "sex" with "passion", I still disagree, although the definition of passion can be quite vague. "Passion" is still commonly considered by most to be feelings of intense romance. Intense emotions of any kind naturally fade away as a relationship grows older. I feel that, like sex, people wrongly interpret a decline in passion as a sign of dysfunction and begin causing problems under the assumption that problems already exist. These problems are then blamed on the "lack of passion", when in fact they were created out of thin air.

"Love" and "passion", especially after the exciting first periods of a relationship, can be mutually exclusive. While it's always good to kindle and keep alight the passion, a waning shouldn't necessarily be interpreted as a deeper problem in the relationship.

Comfort within a relationship is a good thing. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of comfort is a decline in intense emotion regarding the other. What some people mistake as a decline in passion is often simply a settling in effect, a romantic comfort that allows lovers to relax.

1:38 AM  
Anonymous Jada said...

Very insightful post. Thanks.

11:12 AM  

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