Circle V's tips for her fellas part II, deux
Today, we continue our discussion of successful dating/girlfriend relationships. As you may remember:
Part I. The psychology of a woman (from pick up to hook up)
Part Duex: The fuckin friendship (from dating to girlfriend)
Part II, deux: Broads--what you're really dealing with (from 1-2 years)
Part III: She’s It or She’s It?! (from 2 years to “I do”)
Okay boys, you still with me on this dating advice? As I mentioned last time, you need to build a friendship with fuckin to have a successful relationship. This will create super neato things like trust, honesty and emotional growth. So let's assume you've got that down, moving on--
When it’s good, it’s very, very good:
So you are really digging this girl, you are getting to know her hang-ups, starting to understand how her mother fucked her up (cause they all do) and other quarks, now you’re wondering what you’re really in for. You are zooming into the one-year plus period, you openly say “I love you,” your friends like her, you like her friends (generally) and everything is so great.
This is a tenuous point in a relationship for several reasons.
First, you are setting a course for how your entire relationship will evolve (no pressure!). This means that if when she gets naggy, you yell about something else, and she storms off and bottles it up to be revisited to you later, etc, you are setting that pattern for the future. Essentially, it means that the more bad behaviors and times you tell yourself “you can handle it” and ignore how you really feel, the worse for the relationship.
When I used to sling booze, my douche bag manager would say “Set yourself up for success.” This annoying phrase has stuck with because it implies a lot of personal responsibility. You need to set this relationship up for success. You need to be honest, open and aware of how both of you are acting. You are in the danger zone, it may feel like heaven, but the fact is heaven wears off and if you haven’t been true to yourself, you’re going to wake up with a busted ass angel that you resent.
The best way to keep yourself from effing up the course of your relationship is simple: Talk it out. New serious relationships are a lot like a getting a puppy. Everything is so cute and you want to spend every second with this puppy that you love…then you get sick of the pee puddles and the chewing on your toes and you start to wonder if your neighbor’s puppy does that same thing and maybe you’ve got the wrong puppy and then you start to hate the puppy. But, it’s really your fault because you let that puppy do all that shit because you thought it was cute AT THE TIME. So to keep yourself from hating the puppy, you’re going to need to communicate. A lot. Because if you don’t train that puppy to understand your boundaries and what you want, she’s going to piss all over your shoes time and time again and eventually, you’ll just be with the puppy for the sex. Wait. Moving on from the puppy analogy.
The really great thing about your communicating regularly is that she will trust you more and if a girl trusts you then that’s half the battle. Much of the petty shit that women play comes from a deep fear that they’re going to get hurt, which only happens when they don’t trust you. And, that’s where you get all the passive aggressive behavior and crazy bitch antics that make you want to bounce.
My final point in the "going right" section is that you are aware of the natural twists and turns of the relationship as it settles in for the long haul. You may spend less or more time together, she may pull away a little or you may as well. She may want to take a little time or you might. All of these things are okay in a serious, loving relationship as long as both of have worked on building trust and open communication. Being in a year plus relationship is a big commitment for almost anyone. Depending on the person’s level of relationship experience and maturity level, one or both of you may just need a little time to get adjusted or even figure out that it’s not quite working as is for you. This is NORMAL. Don’t fight these natural bumps more than is absolutely necessary because they are indicative of something that needs a little work--it may not be as bad as you think.
But when it’s bad, it’s horrid:
Admitting when it’s not right. As you start reaching that year plus point in the relationship, things are either going to go really good or really bad. Now you will be in many habits at this point, which may lead you to want to ignore the reality of the relationship. And, this is where mistakes can really happen.
There is this thing in lesbian couples called Lesbian bed death, which found that lesbian relationships are more likely to become less passionate over time. I want you to remember this because it’s also a good sign in general that something is not right in the relationship. If you’d rather rub one out or you have to get her drunk to get freaky, than you’ve got serious problems. The passion is draining out of your relationship and it’s not just sex, trust me. Lack of sex means at the least that you and your partner aren’t talking about what feels good or at worst, it means she’s fooling around on you and doesn’t love you enough to be honest with you about it.
Another important thing for you, my fellas, to remember is the proverbial shit or get off the pot. I have recently seen an increase in men telling women they love them, hanging out for many months, then suddenly realizing the girl “isn’t the one.” While this increases the statistical likelihood of burning some dudes car, it also mean that these guys finally found the cojones to be honest to my girlfriends. In most of these cases, I think they were lying to themselves and my girls about their feelings because it seemed like “the right thing to say” IF they actually felt how they should be feeling. Listen guys, you might love the girl, but not LOVE the girl. And, that’s okay, just spare you both the wasted time and tell her you just don’t want her anymore. Then, watch your back.
Serious emotional commitment can stir up all kinds of freaky shit in a person’s psyche. The most common I think for women is trust and for men it’s commitment. There are many others in various combinations. The truth is it is never going to be perfect, and many times not very easy. We are by design selfish, stubborn, and often, self-righteous creatures, and none of those qualities have any place in a successful relationship.
Circle V Notes: When it rains, it pours so be sure to check out today's advice from me and K on First Date DC.
And, thanks to Anon for that kick in the ass to get this post finished up :)