Friday, July 21, 2006

Guest Blogger Jake Barnes: 7 Rules of Being a Yankees Fan

Circle V Note: While I've got all these Wonkette hipsters here, I thought it would be fun to post this little tribute to the Yankees (note: I am a Nationals/ Royals/ Red Sox fan so don't send me your hate)

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Guest Blogger Jake Barnes:

So when I moved to New York, I was going to be a Mets fan. You know, I'm a small town kid and lifelong Royals fan. The Mets are harmless enough--Shea Stadium sucks, the team usually sucks, and Mr. Met is the lamest mascot ever created. Then I went to Yankee Stadium.

Everything changed.

I initially was going to write about why I decided to love the Yankees, but honestly--it's a pretty boring and straight-forward explanation. Like America, the Yankees are winners. Sure they're inefficient, outrageously arrogant, mean, and close-minded (how many Yankees fans even heard of Johnny Damon when he was a Royal?). But, like America (Iraq is like the Yankees, circa 1980s) they win and they've been winning for 90 years.

So instead of boring you with all the obvious reasons I'm a Yankees fan--I'm instead going to provide you with a rulebook on how to love the Yankees. Being a Yankees fan requires a different set of skills than being a fan of most teams.

RULE #1 LOYALTY IS NOT AN ISSUE
Loyalty is never really an issue because the Yankees are always good and besides, are you really ever going to root for some big square state team, or worse, the Mets? So loyalty is the default. Unlike teams that lose occasionally (of often like my beloved Royals) you are never asked, "are you sticking with them." Of course, this issue would never come up because of Rule #2

RULE #2 NEVER STOP TALKING YANKEES
True Yankee fans are constantly thinking about the current Yankee situation. Now, unlike college sports or any team with any sort of long-term vision, this does not mean you care at all about the minor league Yankees. Only "big-league" players matter. When is Shef coming back?
What is wrong with Randy? What "big league" players are we trading for?

Also, constantly wear Yankee attire. If at work, maybe have a Don Mattingly poster on the wall, or a wear a Yankee tie. Hat is standard of course--nothing weird, just the black hat--Yankees have tradition you know.

RULE #3 NEVER, EVER BE SATISFIED WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN A RING
Yankees don't care about making the playoffs, or the world series. Yankees care about winning the ring and will do anything to accomplish their goal.

Now this does not mean you get excited when you win. Indeed, you should merely appear slightly less tortured and nervous when you win the world series. Remember, championship is the baseline--you need to win just to back to normal. Anything less, be totally pissed.

RULE #4 SHOW NO LOYALTY TO INDIVIDUAL PLAYERS
We trade a player, a player gets injured and the Boss throws him out of the stadium--screw 'em. They aren't Yankees anymore. No loyalty when they come back to the stadium as members of a lesser team. On the flip side--hold no grudges. Johnny Damon's a Red Sock and he agrees to be a Yankee for a mere 4 million more dollars--he's a true Yankee.

RULE #5 YOU MUST LOVE "PROVEN" PLAYERS
Experienced major leaguers only please. We are not the Florida Marlins. We do not "develop" talent. We buy it.

RULE #6 LOVE "TRUE YANKEES"
This is tough because what's a "true Yankee" is generally dictated by the arbitrary whims of the masses. Jeter is a true Yankee. Bernie is. So's Damon. Donnie Baseball obviously counts. Randy not so much. You just have to follow the crowd. A-rod? Well that brings me to my final rule...

RULE #7 ALWAYS BOO A-ROD
Doesn't matter that he's the greatest player of all time. This is the Yankees and demand more than that. A-rod is expected to hit a grand slam every at-bat. 3-run homer? Why didn't you make your teammates better so there would be 3 runners on base? Base-hit, we're all over you.
Strike-out? Hard to believe even could even walk around. Even if he hits a game-winning grandslam, do not cheer. Be satisfied. We pay him 25 million freaking dollars. He should win two games a day.

So there have it. The seven rules of being a Yankee fan. Give in. You know you want to.

12 Comments:

Blogger Kathryn Is So Over said...

I'm actually in the process of becoming a Yanks fan, so this was muy helpfultante!!

9:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well said, especially about A-Rod. Amen

10:26 AM  
Blogger V said...

K: That's right and have a great weekend :)

Anon: I love that picture some yankee fan made of him with the purse...so funny.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous bill said...

Well-written, easy for a novice to understand! However living in Boston and being a Yankee fan would be muy helpfultante (with credit to Kathryn) only as a means of realizing a death wish :-)

11:04 AM  
Blogger la guera loca said...

Hmmm...as a long time Bostonian, and a huge sox fan, I can't imagine any possible way of loving the Yankees. They're easier to hate than the Cowboys.

Plus, that image of gay-rod was totally photoshopped by a sox fan.

And now, for the infantile: YANKEES SUCK!

11:26 AM  
Blogger nick d said...

V i have come to love your blog more than pancakes.. Jake you should totally guest blog more oft.

As a lifelong Yanks fan from Queens (did i mention i love being stuck in Raleigh?), the land of "Flushing", I agree wholeheartedly with ya man. However you forgot the sacred rule #8 Dislike For Everything Boston

Yankees fans do not hate. They are above such trivial things. Nor do they dislike. Disliking is what common non-Yankees fans do.

We distaste. We distaste everything Boston, like Republicans distate anything with the word "French" in it. Boston Baked Beans. New England Clam Chowder. And yes, Sam Adams beer.

Have a great weekend DC people!

3:59 PM  
Blogger V said...

Nick: More than pancakes! You little southern peach, thanks much and you all have a great weekend too from Boston to Raleigh!

4:06 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Is this where I type, "Go Red Sox?"

5:40 PM  
Blogger Needtsza said...

With a picture like that, how am I not supposed to bitch and scream GO SOX!!!!?

11:32 PM  
Blogger Needtsza said...

As a guy who will most-likely become a New Yorker, I still scream GO SOX!

11:33 PM  
Blogger O-FACE said...

Rule 8---Be bigger assholes than Bosox fans............Cleveland forever...Go Tribe...

11:54 PM  
Blogger Pop Cultured said...

this is a funny and well-written post...tho i can only hope that this is satirical list of ways to be a yankee fan...

there is nothing wrong w/ being a royals fan, and a real baseball fan doesnt have more than 1 team he/she roots for...sure i go to wizards games as a 76ers fan, but its because i enjoy basketball, or nats games because i enjoy baseball...i have also been to yankee stadium and that is something special to experience...and by no means would i suggest rooting against them, but if the royals r in town, what do u do?...if u enjoy the game of baseball as it seems u do, then maybe i understand where u r coming from...but otherwise, a real baseball fan would never sell his team out to be commonplace...no offense intended, but lets be honest...

7:36 AM  

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