Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Circle V's Tips for Her Fellas, Part Deux

Last week, I kicked off my series Circle V's Tips for Her Fellas with a post about how to hook up with your average girl.

And, now, we get to part Deux of my series for those fellas looking to take it to the next level beyond the hook up. However, Part Deux has a Deux, because it was so damn long that I had to bust it up so you could actually read it in one sitting.

So today, we discuss successful dating/girlfriend relationships:
Preface: Honesty, the only policy
Part I. The psychology of a woman
Part II: Broads--what you're really dealing with (coming soon)

And, I will finish the series with own personal advice for long term relastionship success (Because I've fucked up enough to know).

Preface: Before we get down and dirty as to what you have really gotten yourself into, I need to talk to you about the cardinal rule when dating women: honesty. No, not honesty about that skank you got on the side, but honesty with yourself.

That’s right, you are most likely a big fucking liar, and you don’t even know it. The human brain has all sorts of fun ways it can trick itself into believing what it wants to believe. But don’t let that happen. Before you start dating someone, think about why it is you want to date this person.

If you ask yourself that honestly, and your natural response is any of the following, then we gots problems:

Question: Why do you want to date her?
She’s hot
She’s got money
She thinks I’m cool/smart/hot/funny
She keeps calling
I’ve been given an ultimatum and the sex is too sweet to give up
We have been on X number of dates, that means we’re dating
All my buddies have girlfriends, now I do, too
My parents/friends/social group would like her
I haven’t met anyone I like that much in a while, and she’s okay

There are others, but I think this gives you a sense of how 80 percent of dating relationships start. That’s right, I’d guess most people who start dating are doomed to fail. And, if they don’t fail while dating, they’ll definitely fail on the long term.

I honestly think it is the simple reasons and natural impulses that make dating someone more successful. So if you answer:

I’m attracted to her, and I like spending time with her because she is cool/smart/fun/interesting/ect then we’re on the trolley and the following advice will hopefully help you have a better and more successful dating experience.

Part I: Physical Friendship

So, putting your bullshit aside, and under the assumption that you're not a man-child who is incapable of having a healthy relationship, let’s move on to her and the situation at hand.

Okay, so you’ve probably hooked up with her, spent some weekends together, talk regularly, etc. She seems really great. She’s laughing at the jokes, she’s going to baseball games, she’s listening to your music, this girl is perfect!

Um, no. She’s lying. You are a brand new pair of shoes, my friend. Or, let’s go with a new video game. You know when you first get it and it’s sooo coool and you’re all into figuring it out, talking to your friends about it, really getting into what’s going on with this game that is sooo much cooler than any other video game you’ve played? Then after you beat it or play so much and you get tired of it and move on. That's how relationships start, too. And, that’s a two-way street, my friend, both of you are gearing up to have the shinny new-ness disappear.

And, once you get over how hot/cool/fun she is, you’ve got to like her. See, a woman is going to start to turn needy bitch when she senses that you are losing interest. You lose interest when you realize you don’t like her quite as much as you expected (which is natural because hello, everyone seems perfect at the beginning) AND now, she’s starting to act like a needy bitch. Yeah, you see where I’m going with this. Dating relationships end because they are usually a self-fulfilling prophecy. Something goes wrong and neither person really likes the other enough to fix it.

So that rant leads me to the most important advice you’re going to get: Be her friend. I mean you can still fuck her, but you need to view her as your friend, not as someone you are dating. Being friends with someone means there is mutual respect, honesty and trust. I have seen too many relationships crash and burn because it was two people dating with stars in their eyes about love and marriage and all that bullshit, when what they should have been focusing on was building a physical friendship. Because to me, to date someone and then have her turn girlfriend means you are building a friendship with someone you hit it with.

I'm going to say something crazy here, but I think if when a relastionship (no matter how short or long ends), you know it was done right if you both don't hate each other, involve the police or kick cars. Because this person you were dating was your friend, you should be able to move on (and she move on as well) with minimal drama. Even if you cheat on her, she should be like, "I like you as a person, but it's become clear to me that you're a dog. Peace." Okay, I know it's never that easy, but you see my point?

Now that you’ll be in the right frame of mind (Physical Friendship), let’s talk about how crazy most women are, myself including, I’m not just hating on my gender.

Initial Question: How crazy is that bitch?
Follow-up: Is the juice worth the squeeze?


The ex: Depending on the person/personality, she will most likely be screwed up from a past boyfriend. You need to assess early what you’re getting into. How abusive was this asshole? Does she hate her body, overcompensates or lies to please. I mean there is a laundry list of things that could be wrong with her. I’m not saying you’re going to fix those broken wings, but there is no way you are going to be able to have any sort of relationship with her if you don’t know what you’re dealing with.

Paging Dr. Freud: Learn about her parents. A person’s parents/childhood has some impact on what dating this chick is going to be like. Listen to how she describes her parents, siblings, growing up, etc. I’m not saying you need to get her on a couch and play Freud or anything, but if she’s got a bitch for a mom, you’re going to be dealing with that at some point. If she was always jealous of her brother then you’re probably going to be dealing with that too. Again, I’m not saying you need to get this all after the first month or anything, just be aware that as she lets her guard down you need to be listening.

Ask yourself:
Here are two simple questions: What does she want out of this relationship.
Is that similar to what you want or may eventually want?

I’m going to be real honest that most women really do want the fucking fairytale. They want to be swept off their feet and whisked away to paradise. You are not going to provide that, not even a little. She needs to deal with it and you need to understand that she is expecting that so be careful. “You’re never romantic” is a product of this endemic problem. Women are fed Cinderella and Snow White and Pretty Woman stories from the moment they can blink so you need to keep reality in check. Sure, you aren’t picking her up in a carriage with an arm full of roses, but damn it, you are watching Monster-in-law because she wants to (and to check out J-Lo’s ass). Don't let her fantasies ruin your relationship. I know it's her fault, but if you like the girl, you need to step in and talk to her about managing her expectations for this thing you got going on.

Letting your guard down is better. Guys love to front. Women do too, but it’s in a much more stupid way. Women front about how smart they are, confident they are or how they see themselves and you’ll see right through that so don’t worry about it. But men, men front about their feelings and that actually does matter in the relationship. You need to be real, real honest with her and talk about where you are at with this thing. If she doesn’t like it, then it’s too damn bad. Listen, it’s pretty rare that two people ever feel the same about the other—and yet, so many relationship thrive on that idea and it’s total horse shit. People are different with different ideas of love and spending time and emotional availability and all that stuff that makes up where you are with this person. Now, she might be a bitch to you because she doesn’t understand this, but you’re right and she needs to get it. By “see each other more” you may mean three times and week and she may mean every morning. You both need to by crystal clear about that or it could totally screw the relationship.


Blogger The Senator said...

I don't normally post on your site, but damn "V," this is some good stuff.

It's like you have been spying on my love life.

2:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was some true shit.

2:24 PM  
Blogger Buttercup Allbright said...

It's sad when people stay in a relationship because they don't want to face these truths. Happens all too often, methinks.

Thank you.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Kathryn Is So Over said...

Another wonderful post.

But the pictures take it to a whole new level - Mean Girls, Less Than Zero, Muriel's Wedding... ROCK ON

2:40 PM  
Blogger V said...

Thanks all.

And, K: I forgot to add the hyperlink to "kick cars" will do shortly :)

2:52 PM  
Blogger KassyK said...

That was incredible. SO insightful and SO true. Every man AND woman should print this out (including MOI) and read it every night. EVERY NIGHT PEOPLE. V-You have outdone yourself. Brillant. :-)

3:07 PM  
Anonymous bill said...

I agree with you on every point. I'm thinkin' you might want to worry a bit about that, but I'm happy to see that I'm in good company here.

Very, very well said. Thanks.

3:11 PM  
Blogger V said...

Kassy: Thanks, I hope it helps some people as it's shit I learned the hard way through personal experience or my friends.

Bill: Thanks--not worried at all

3:15 PM  
Anonymous cjt said...

Nice work but it doesn't help me much at my age. There's no tips about dating middle aged hussies.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

I give this a thumbs up, even though it's flawed (like you said). Then again, I'm probably considered to be a "man-child who is incapable of having a healthy relationship". However, I really can't see any of these scenarios as "healthy". Then again, I'm a SCORPIO and can't have relationships (actually, I can, they just happen to be very short ;-)

V, if you and I ever got together, we would rule this cruel world. We should start some sort of business together. I always wanted to be in cahoots with The Devil.

CJT, everything still applies. You just have to adjust for the bitterness! To wit, just make the bitter into bittersweet.

7:36 PM  
Blogger V said...

ctj: see post about hooking up...will work wonders

Sean: Indeed, my man, indeed.

10:34 PM  
Anonymous cjt said...

Sean you are wise my son.

V. Okay I will but the dated phrase "waking up with old battle axe' has to be experienced to be appreciated.

6:54 AM  
Blogger dianne_lone said...

mean girls.. I love that movie. My bf from webdate gave me a dvd.. love that movie so..

12:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

V- you are a smart girl and so young. Makes sense, as K had nothing but lovely things to say about you. Anyways, this post made me feel womanly and true.

10:15 PM  
Blogger MTC said...

I see where your comming from

- Free Online College Personals

2:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Patiently awaiting longterm, longdistance tips, which is where i'm at - well done CV

11:06 AM  
Blogger V said...

Yikes! Anon, I am sorry. I will work on them tonight (as i have really been thinking about it) and will get back to you ASAP ;)

Thanks for the reminder--

12:38 PM  

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