BIG NEWS: Wonkette here I come
I have BIG NEWS. HUGE. So a couple friends of mine in Chicago e-mailed me the Wonkette posting yesterday for a new Senior Writer. While I thought I wasn't quite ready to give up my illustrious career in PR, I sent in the application just in case. So I did and they called right back. It was awesome. So I met them over at their really nice offices in SE and had an interview. And, I think it went really really well.
And, I knew all of you would be really supportive of this and just for you, I recorded the interview and transcribed it below. That's how much I love you, until I leave, and I'll never talk to you again.
Wonkettes: V, thank you for applying for our senior writer position. So, you’re a resident of DC, that’s good. You said in your application that you “love the gays” and live “in Dupont Circle, represent.”
V: Yeah, totally, but I go to the Hill or whatever all the time if that’s what you’re worried about.
Wonkettes: Great, it's important for you to be willing to go outside the Dupont area. You listed your access the corridors of power as “hooking on K street” do you have any other more, um, legal examples?
V: First of all, that was a joke. It’s not hooking if you do it for free, SNAP. And, yeah, I gots your access. I know several granola types with unfettered access to DNC e-mail blasts and waaay left blogs that mostly consist of hippie-types trolling the free computers in libraries between porn and crazy left propaganda. So, they’ll help me out with tips or whatever.
And, I have a friend who knows high powered people in DC. She sometimes tells me stories when she’s drunk, and then if I were to get her really drunk, she’d probably blackout and then I could use them without hurting our really important friendship. Because that’s something that you should know about me, friends are friends forever.
Wonkettes: You seem to be a Democrat as you listed here that you do not hate poor people that much, but do hate business. Despite the stupidity of that answer, can you describe how you would be a non-partisan part of the Wonkette team?
V: Oh, I totally have a good answer to this one. So, I have a friend who used to have text sex with a very important married Republican guy. I mean like way more important than you would ever believe. Of course, they no longer talk due to some awkwardness. And, she’d kill me if I said who he was. But still, how many applicants can say they’ve done some wordsmithing like “Put in my pooper” via text to the upper echelons of power?
And, I’m totally liked by Democrats, too. This one former-Kerry consultant won’t stop calling cause I lost a fundraising bet and owe him a flashing.
Wonkettes: Got that. Are you professional around important people in DC? Can you give me some examples?
V: Sure, I hung out with Terry Mcauliffe twice. Once, in the VIP area of a DREAM fundraiser (snuck in with a bunch of Redskin players) where I thought it would be hilarious to ask him really stupid questions like “So you think yer pretty important, huh?” and then at another even lamer DNC thing where my friend grabbed his ass (for no reason) and I pretended to light his cigar and then stole it, and he got really mad.
Wonkettes: Oh my god. (Pause) So, a lot of our contacts are on the Hill. Tell me about some of the experiences you have had there.
V: Oh sure. Do you mean at bars or actually in the buildings? I mean I used to ride around on that trolley thingy that goes between the buildings. And, when my parents came to town I took a tour. Oh and one time, me and my girl got really hammered at 201 on the expense account of a Senator’s COS (see I know the lingo!). I’m not saying which one because his girlfriend caught us and got really mad. And then he had to run after her, and we just kept charging stuff. Yeah, bet you wished that happened to you.
Wonkettes: (Heavy sigh) In the paragraph you submitted about why you wanted this job, you just said “I am a patriot. I love my country because my country loves me.” Is there more?
V: To that song or me (laughs for a couple minutes). See that’s the kind of joshin I bring to the table. Well, aside from my love of self-deprecating humor, I’m a perfectionist. And, I love people. All people. Except the Jews. And, I used to be a journalist in college, I was editor of our newspaper for three years so that’s good, right? Of course, I ended up getting too “political” and tried using my powers for “my own agenda” and people got mad. But I didn’t care, Fuck em, you know, just fuck em.
Wonkettes: Okay, so are there any negatives that you see to hiring you?
V: Well, I’m a bit of a drinker.
Wonkettes: Yeah, you brought a sixer of Miller High Life with you to this interview.
V: That’s right, Champagne of Beers, biotches!
Wonkettes: You also listed in the paragraph about why this job interests you as “You like to go to free events and get free food and free drinks and then make fun of people, sometimes to their face.” Is that true?
V: Oh, it’s totally true. This one time, I went to this gross out Lawyer event at the University Club and got really drunk, and I’m told I called some guy as asshole to his face and then started laughing. Really loud. Also in his face.
Wonkettes: Oh my God, seriously? Okay, I saw that you have your own blog, what does our blog and your blog have in common?
V: Well, I like to make fun of Jessica Cutler and so do you (but I would be her BFF in a heartbeat if she asked). She once even posted on my blog. Said I was “sweating her.” It was really cool.
And, you guys totally love me. Whenever I’ve said anything about seeing famous-for-DC-types or sex clubs, you’ve loved it.
Wonkettes: Right. So here are a series of fun questions, and I want you to answer honestly.
V: Can I make this a drinking game?
Wonkettes: No. Aren’t you 25? Do you still play drinking games? (Pause) Are you flipping me off? Anyway, these are just funny little questions so here we go:
Which politician would you most want to sleep with?
V: Katherine Harris.
Wonkettes: (Laughs) That’s a good one, who wouldn't with those knockers?! (Wonkettes high five) Okay, which state would you like to run out of?
Wonkettes: Alright, which leader would you most like to get propositioned by?
V: Jeb Bush
Wonkettes: Which political marriage would you most like to breakup?
V: George and Laura.
Wonkettes: Are you just listing things about Katharine Harris because you know we like to make fun of her on our website?
V: (silence) Did this just get awkward? I can quote the Simpsons to show we have a common bond of comedy. And, I love the Daily Show, toooo.
Wonkettes: Right. Thank you for your time.
V: So you’re going to call me soon, right?
Wonkettes: Um, yeah. Hey, are you just going to leave the empties?