Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Guest Blogger Dan: Dear Dan,

V Note: As you know, I love to share my blog space with others. And, one of my very favorite writers/bloggers Dan of Tornado Slide has written a helpful post in response to your questions about baseball. And, if you don't already, be sure to check out his blog (Yes, ladies, that dreamy yet forlorn picture is for real).


So your man is obsessed with baseball. I hear you, girlfriend! I know you have a lot of questions. I'm here for you. We'll get through this. Together. But not "together" - not in that way - because you've got a boyfriend, and I totally respect that.


V says I should periodically chime in with intelligent, baseball-related questions. What should I say?

Relax. As I've previously discussed about music and football, your boyfriend doesn't care if you're ignorant. In fact, he'd prefer to be the expert. Knowing some general terminology - bunt, out, inning, umpire, ball, strike - will be more than enough to prevent you from embarrassing yourself or your boyfriend.

Remember that there is a lot of strategy involved in the game. When you watch a game with your man meat, question everything. Why is that pitcher throwing to first base so much? Why did that guy bunt instead of try to get a hit? Why are fans throwing batteries at that outfielder? Select a few of these questions to ask per game. If you ask more than three per game, you're probably annoying your boyfriend.

My man is headed to the stadium. Should I go to the game, too?

Assuming you know that baseball games can be hot, long, and dull, ask yourself the litmus test question: Can I make it through the game without pissing off my boyfriend?

You will piss off your man if any of the following escapes your piehole:

"It's too hot out here."
"This game is taking too long."
"Can we leave?"
"This is boring."
"Waahh! I'm getting a sunburn! Waahh!"
"Let's walk around the stadium."
"My tits are getting smaller."

Also, don't think you can go to the game and busy yourself with a book or your knitting. That's bush league.

Remember, no one is forcing you to go to the game. If you can't handle nine innings live, politely decline the invitation.

V says I should choose a favorite player to root for. Who should I pick?

You can choose almost anyone, but be careful. Many professional baseball players, like their high school and collegiate counterparts, are assholes. You don't want to pick favorite player only to find he's a wife-beater, a cheater, a cheater's brother that doesn't run the bases well, notoriously lazy, or batshit insane. Character counts, so do your research. If you end up choosing a good guy that happens to suck, just say things like, "He's a great guy to have in the clubhouse," or, "He's solid defensively."

Here's a good rule of thumb - pick the guy on your favorite team with the funniest last name. He's likely a fan favorite.

My boyfriend watches "Baseball Tonight" on ESPN every night. Why is President Andrew Jackson featured on this program? Didn't he die over 100 years ago?

Yes, "Old Hickory" died in 1845 due to complications from exterminating the Cherokee. The man you see on ESPN is a baseball analyst named Peter Gammons. If you ever find your man repeating Mr. Gammons' words as gospel, dump him. Same goes for the black guy and the fat guy on that show.

If you find your man quoting Andrew Jackson, I recommend checking your family tree. If you're free of Native American blood, you and your relationship are probably safe.

My boyfriend checks his fantasy baseball team's statistics every day. Why?

Fantasy baseball makes real baseball more fun for your boyfriend. He's playing a game for his own pleasure - to play it well, he needs to check his team nearly every day. It is normal behavior, and you needn't be alarmed.

My boyfriend checks his fantasy baseball team's statistics CONSTANTLY. Why?

Your boyfriend is a loser. You are within your rights as a girlfriend to withhold sex until he stops being such a loser.


Why is my man standing up?

People stand up for many different reasons during the course of a game, usually to support or applaud a play or player. If your boyfriend is hyperactive (or not very skilled at watching baseball) he will stand up every time someone hits a ball in the air, because he thinks it might be a home run.

If there is no action on the field, and everyone else is also standing, you're experiencing what's known as the "seventh inning stretch". It's a largely useless baseball tradition. Everyone stands up and sings along to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame". You know, for fun. For fun!

Why is that jug-eared Irish dude singing, "God Bless America"?

You're experiencing the seventh inning stretch NY Yankees-style. Instead of light sing-along to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame", the Yankees have decided to have Big Ears belt out "God Bless America". There is no good reason for this.

Why is my man eating so many hot dogs?

There are a few possibilities. First, he may be a Depression-era Chicagoan with few other food options. The second, more likely explanation is that it is "buck night". Major league stadiums often host such nights to encourage attendance from stingy hot dog enthusiasts. Now, you may have never seen your boyfriend eat this many hot dogs - does he love stadium dogs that much? Probably not. Is he tired of paying $6 per beer, and intends to "get even" with the concessionaires by eating cheap cylinders of pork/chicken/turkey/beef? Probably. If you play your cards right, he'll pass on the savings to you!

Should I eat a lot of hot dogs, too?

No! Gross! Just have a beer. It'll relax you, and it might help pass the time.

My man just called the umpire "Blue", and told him to "get some eyeglasses". Is that what heckling is?

That's what shitty heckling is. Good heckling sounds a lot different - like good art, good heckling is ethereal, and is usually somewhat vulgar.

Why is that man over there sitting by himself and writing stuff down after each play?

That man is keeping score. He is a lonely guy. Pity him. If possible, find a friend to set him up with, because I can't stress this enough - he is very, very lonely.


Blogger O-FACE said...

Baseball games are basically Bars built around a field. Nobody pays attention to the game until the 9th inning. Too busy getting pissed eye drunk.

2:50 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

David Justice could be classified as both a (wife) cheater and wife beater. He was known to bang waitresses at the Longhorn's on Peachtree while he was married to Halle (what an idiot).

3:07 PM  
Blogger V said...

O-face: Sounds like you don't have any friends that like baseball.

Phil: With a name like DAVID JUSTICE you'd think he'd be less of a sleeze. Jez, Halle really knows how to pick em.

4:09 PM  
Anonymous rcr said...

That was excellent.

2:14 PM  
Blogger dn said...

I actually miss David Justice a lot, because he was always the subject of my favorite heckle: "YOU BEAT YOUR WIFE!"

6:42 PM  

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