Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Guest Blogger Blondesurferdude: Return of the Mack

V Note: As promised, live from San Diego, Cali and here to school you is Blondesurferdude:

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As V alluded to in her earlier post, when I'm not surfing or bleaching my hair, I attend the occasional Economics class at UCSD. I'm sure none of you non-Econ-PhD morons are capable of comprehending the kind of books that we Econ-PhD students read from day to day, but I decided to take this space to try and bring knowledge to the masses. I guess it's good practice for when I'm inflicting knowledge on idiot undergrads later in life.

There are several texts that I considered for this monograph, but there's one that really stands out, both for the widespread credibility it has obtained among PhD students, and also for its applicability to the life of the common, non-Econ-PhD mongoloid.

That text is The Mack Within: The Holy Book of Game by Tariq "King Flex" Nasheed. The Mack Within contains not only theoretical analysis of mackin', but also historical prespectives on mackin', and empirical analysis of mackin' techniques (it is widely accepted in the field that no one has as comprehensive a mackin' data set as K-Flex).

The historical sections of the text take you all the way from The First Macks (the ancient Egyptians - "if you look at many of the Egyptian paintings today, you will see pharaohs and kings chillin' with a number of women by their sides") to the eight categories of men found in today's society (The Smooth Brother, The Serious Brother, The Sensitive Simp, The Save-a-Ho Brother, The Sassy Brother, The Scavenger, The Super Thug, and The Scrub).

But the book isn't about men, it's about women. K-Flex breaks down the ways in which women are different from men:

"Throughout history, men have primarily been valued for their game, and women have primarily been valued for their physical attributes. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, but the general fact remains that the most popular women throughout history, and even today, such as Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Marilyn Monroe, and Halle Berry, were and are revered primarily for their physical beauty...."

Aside from stating a theoretical implication of evolutionary biology and an empirical fact, this paragraph, a J-Stor search shows, is the only instance of Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Marilyn Monroe, and Halle Berry being included in the same sentence.

K-Flex notes that men and women are different in temperment as well as fitness criteria:

"Society likes to perpetuate the myth that men are instinctive liars, and that women always tell the truth. But the reality is, many women are deeceptive on an even deeper level than men are. When a man lies, he knows that he is full of it. But women's lies are more effective because women lie to themselves. A lot of women are very convincing when they lie, because they believe their own BS...I've compiled a list of general terms, titles, and occupations that many women use to describe themselves. And I've also included the real meanings and translations of these titles. Here are a few:

Independent......Women who can't keep a man
Actress............Waitress
Dancer.............Stripper
Decorator..........Overweight girl or Drag Queen who is unemployed
Fashion Designer....Average-looking girl who is unemployed
Model..................Attractive female who is unemployed
"

But K-Flex doesn't only give rules of thumb such as these. K-Flex offers cross-sectional data on each type of female, and how to mack to each type, from:

"Diamond Girls
Average yearly income: $250,000+
Average weight: 95-130 lbs.
Number of children or abortions before the age of 23: 0
Beauty shelf life: 16-60
Examples of Diamond Girls: Halle Berry, Janet Jackson

How to Step to a Diamond Girl: Read a few books about geography, because most Diamond Girls have traveled to different places around the world."

to:

"Copper Chicks
Average yearly income: $12,000-20,000
Average weight: 100-180 lbs.
Number of children or abortions before the age of 23: 1-2 children; 0-2 abortions.
Beauty shelf life: 15-28
Examples of Copper Chicks: Mary J. Blige, Eve, Trina

How to Step to Copper Chicks: All you need to do is pull up in an Escalade with rims holding a bucket of chicken and the basic Copper Chick is all yours."

Even down to:

Cubic Zirconium Broads ("Chickenheads")
Average yearly income: under $10,000 (including food stamps and WIC vouchers)
Average weight: 120-300 lbs.
Number of children or abortions before the age of 23: 1-4 children; 1-3 abortions.
Beauty shelf life: 14-21
Examples of Cubic-Zirconium Broads: Lil' Kim, Courtney Love

How to Step to a Chickenhead: You don't."

One of the most fundamental tenets of K-Flex's mackin' advice is to never mack on chickenheads. He spends much of the book explaining why you shouldn't mack on chickenheads:
"When you kick it with a chickenhead, it sends out a message about you. It says that you are broke. It says that you are desperate. It says that you have low self-esteem. And these same messages that you send to others are internalized in your own mind. So value yourself as a man, and never settle for chickenheads."

And also Twenty Ways to Tell if a Female Might be a Chickenhead, including:

"7. She thinks she looks like J. Lo just because she's Hispanic.
9. She weighs 93 lbs. and still has a beer gut.
11. Any white girl with braids.
13. She drinks Sunny Delight.
15. She's at the club 'crip-walking' in high heels.
20. She puts hot sauce on potato chips."

Even some general mackin' rules are designed, in part, to ward off chickenheads. For instance, K-Flex warns against spending more than $50 on the first date.

"She might be an undercover chickenhead who is trying to get a free meal. If you encounter a female who demands you take her to Red Lobster (high-class dining to a chickenhead) you should send her right back to the swap meet where you got her."

The over-riding message of all of K-Flex's mackin' instructions is: be confident, be strong, be in control:

"The first thing a potential mack has to understand is that the mackin' game isn't about ego or emotions. It's about logic. you have to mack from your mind, not from your heart. If you are the type of cat who is emotionally driven, and you insist on getting your heart involved with every female you meet, this book isn't for you. If you are one of those masochistic guys who secretly enjoys being played like a sucker by females, this book isn't for you. If you are one of those guys who is proud to be a 'hopeless romantic', just put down this book and go pick up The Best of Lionel Richie."

Even the moronic undergrad can understand why this kind of thinking would carry weight among professional economists. K-Flex always demonstrates thorough understanding of economic principles. Consider Rule Three in his 'Rules of the Game' chapter: "Always let females know you have options." K-Flex tells the following parable:

"Too many guys allow themselves to be monopolized by females. In many case, when a female sees that she has a monopoly on you, she will flip the script. She will feel like she can step to you in any way she wants to.

"This is the case in any situation where there is a monopoly on services. For example, in order to drive, you have to have a state-issued driver's license. The only place where you can get a driver's license is the state-run DMV. The DMV has a monopoly, and the people at the DMV know that you can only come to them for a license. This is why they treat you like crap at the DMV. At any DMV you go to, you will see ridiculously long lines and DMV workers with the worst attitudes, who drag ass when it comes to helping you. What incentive do they have to give you good customer service? You ain't going nowhere. No matter how funky they treat you, you're still going to have to stay there and take it, because you have to.

"The same goes for dating. When you're with a female, and she sees that you don't really have the ability to get other females, she will start talking to you any way she wants...eventually she'll kick you to the side."

Rule Ten gives another example of how to make sure you are in control of your female:

"Never trust a women who doesn't perform oral sex on you...You should never trust a female who isn't 100 percent down for you. If you're one of those guys who think that your girl isn't going down on you because 'she's not that type of girl' or because she told you she has strong religious beliefs, I want you to close this book, put it down, and go pick up a brochure for Jerry's Kids. You gots to be retarded if you still fall for that old-school game."

That's pretty much as real as it gets right there. You won't find anybody realer than K-Flex.

Of course, not every mack in the game is looking to get into a relationship with women. K-Flex presents three methods for getting "quick and easy" ass. They are:

The Earn/Reward Method

"You have to give a female chores. You have to make her cook for you. You have to require her to come over and clean your crib...What you will see happen is that she will start trying to give you sex just to get out of doing so many chores. As a mack, you use sex as a reward to her."

The Mysterious Mack Method

"This is by far the easiest way of getting quick, easy, commitment-free sex from females. All you have to do is pop up in a club or social spot where people don't know your face, and then start stepping to females on a courtesy level without revealing too much about yourself....it's very important to position yourself to get the ass within four days of meeting a female when using the Mysterious Mack Method. If you wait too long, the hypnotic spell will wear off."

Finally, my favorite:

The Bold-Faced Lie Method

"You go to a club or a social event in a city or location where no one knows you. And when you meet females there, simply lie about your occupation. When you lie, don't tell a half-assed lie....tell her that you are a professional athlete...Tell her that you are a prince from an African country...Tell her you just bought the BET network...Tell her that you just purchased two Popeye's Chicken franchises in the area...And if a female is superficial enough to have sex with you because she thinks that you are a professional athlete, or that you own a Popeye's Chicken franchise, then you should be superficial enough to tell bold-faced lies about what you do."

However, K-Flex does offer Twelve Things a Mack Would Never Say to Get Sex, including:

"1. 'I love you.' (The extreme bold-faced lie approach)
4. 'Let me just put the head in.' (The bargaining approach)
8. 'Okay, then just go down on me.' (The Bill Clinton approach)
10. 'I just want to put it in and take it right back out.' (The 'let me sample it' approach)
12. 'You want a ride home, don't you?' (The hostage approach)"


I hope that this gives you an idea of the level of discourse in today's top-ranked Economics departments. Good luck on your GREs. Maybe you can be my TA in a few years.

16 Comments:

Blogger Virgle Kent said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! This is by far the funniest thing I’ve read all month!

“But don’t even front on the let me just put the head in” approach, that shit got me through college. The “hostage approach” also works when you’re out in D.C and the girl needs a ride back to VA because her chicken head friends left her.

My only thing is if Dude is such a pimp… how come he had to help that same white boy twice on MTV’s made?

By the way is Circle V a diamond girl? hmmm

10:02 AM  
Blogger V said...

VK: Glad you liked it, I am hoping Blondesurferdude will soon lend his Doctoral smarts for tips on tapping college hotties--I am sure the famed 'let me sample' approach will be quite applicable.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous cjt said...

The Compton Mack scene is blogged and not badly done...

http://topmacknigga.blogspot.com/

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Justin said...

Blondsurferdude claims his knowledge of the game is tight, but he aint even read King Flex's "The Art of Mackin'"... reading "The Mack Within'" before TAM is like reading Einstein and thinkin you know shit about Newtonian physics - he missed a few of the crucial building blocks of mackin due to his whack approach. First off, King Flex gives the best advice for those vexxing times when you take a girl out and... she refuses to have sex with you! There are two main stratgies:
1) question her maturity
2) downplay the importance of sex
If necessary you can combine the approaches to create a veritable "tornado" of care-free abandon.

After you master "manipulating the hoes" in this method, then you can move onto the more advanced techniques discussed in "the Mack Within".

12:40 PM  
Blogger Tony Sclafani said...

Funny stuff, but I think Janet Jackson's weight has now gone way past the 130 lb. requirement he listed.

1:48 PM  
Blogger V said...

Justin: Thank you for enlightening us on another important piece of King Flex's tome.

DoBA: Nice work on getting your own profile, big day, huh :)

And, good point, my guess is this book was written pre-JJ becoming XXL

2:01 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Good point DOBA - Janet is now considered "copper".

Dian Parkinson would be considered "diamond".

2:17 PM  
Anonymous BlondeSurferDude said...

I myself questioned the inclusion of Janet Jackson as a Diamond Girl. She is, after all, one of five children, all of whom were sexually abused and beaten from birth. And she showed her titty on national TV. That sounds more like a chickenhead to me.

You'll occasionally see misrepresentations of facts from K-Flex. For instance, portraits of Cleopatra show her to be quite homely, despite her historic suitors and powerful empire.

I guess K-Flex was too busy mackin' to get down with some ancient numismatics.

4:16 PM  
Anonymous Justin said...

yeah maybe, but K-Flex sure as hell knows what Ben Franklin looks like...

4:19 PM  
Blogger Complacent Chase said...

I couldn't stop laughing as I read this! ha ha ha

4:59 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

i can't believe blondesurferdude called janet jackson a chickenhead! lol.


and sadly i had someone say to me "let me just put it in and take it out." so sad. the approach did not work!

8:49 PM  
Anonymous BlondeSurferDude said...

Let me be clear - I didn't call Janet Jackson a chickenhead. My only point is, some details of her upbringing might be more indicative of a chickenhead than a Diamond Girl. See here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janet_Jackson.

Let me pull out some salient points:

"...before she became a devout Jehovah's Witness, her mother Katherine worked as a store clerk for Sears."

"On April 9, 1974 [AT THE AGE OF 8 - BSD}, Janet made her public debut performance at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, with nearly all nine members of the Jackson family. Janet quickly became the star of the show, emulating and imitating various celebrities of the day such as Cher, Marie Osmond, Toni Tennille, and Mae West, in particular"

Her momma worked at Sears, then fell in love with Jesus, then she started working with her 9 brothers and sisters and tryin' to act like Cher in public. Does that sound to you like a chickenhead or a Diamond Girl? That's all I'm sayin'.

10:32 PM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

OMG I want that book now hahaha. Too funny V!

9:12 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

And for your thesis: Iceberg Slim:

http://www.wfmu.org/
LCD/21/ice.html

9:42 AM  
Blogger V said...

AM: Thanks, I am glad you liked it and it was all blondesurferdude.

For the record, I have commissioned several other pieces from a DC reporter, NYC lawyer and others you have read here.

WC: Very interesting.

11:06 AM  
Blogger NubianTemptres43 said...

i thought the blog was funny, but the comments were off the chain . . .

11:01 PM  

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