Open Letter to Brad Pitt
Hey! I want you to know I am a really big fan (Since Thelma and Louise, hello!). I think it’s cool that you were born in Oklahoma and raised in Springfield, Missouri because I am from Oklahoma and have been to Springfield, Missouri many times. I even have a family friend who has SEEN you at basketball games with your nieces and nephews. I think they even saw Jen with you one time!
So, I loved you and Jen. I really did. Jen is really pretty, smart enough and loves you a ton (we can all tell). She’s fun to be around, remembers everyone’s birthdays and even does cute things like hassle you for being “so into architecture.” And, you two looked awesome together with the blonde hair and the tans and the blue eyes like tits on toast . She’s great, really, really great. I bet you’ve even told her that even if you hadn’t gotten married, you both would totally have been BFF.
But then you met the hottest bad girl there ever was: Angelina Jolie. Oops! Who wants to be married to a BFF when you can be married to a FB? I can’t blame you for leaving Jen, I can't. Jen’s great. But Ang, whew, now she’s something special. She’s probably the hottest woman you’ve ever met plus she’s a guy’s girl. That must have been really exciting for you, to be playing catch-up with this hot girl who’s better at flying planes, throwing knives, jumping off buildings and getting it on with women than you are!
Of course you slept with her. Of course. When two people are that hot, it's a crime against us all if these two gods among the fuggly don't have at least one hot encounter. But, Brad, you did more than that, you feel for her. Hard. And, I am sure she thinks a lot of you, too. I mean you’re the prissy yen to her strap-on yang. And, you thought: she’s into being a mom (not like Jen) into charities (not like Jen) and has a string of violently passionate relationships (not like Jen) and your manly-hetero self could totally tame that puss, right?
Wrong. Before last night, I would have totally thought, it’s in the bag for Brad. But, I happened to catch her pre-SOTU interview with James Lipton on Bravo last night. First, damn she looked good (high five!). But, she also talked about her past relationships and what it is that attracts her to people. And that’s when I realized it: SHE’S TOTALLY GOING TO DUMP YOU. And, I’m not just talking what the stars say either.
"But I got her knocked up," you say. Doesn’t matter. Sister has a tattoo of an open window as a metaphor of her metal state and the fact that she was constantly attracted to the sight of open windows (read: ready to bolt). She has a trail of past relationships where she just needed to end them, but she still really loves them. This is bad news bears for you because that means baby's momma won’t blink an eye when she separates those the Jolie-Pitt babes.
I warn you only because it is inevitable that all parties will be unhappy. Jen will never do better than you, you will never do better than Angelina and Angelina will never do better than Angelina. There’s a love triangle if I even heard of one.
But good luck my man, and don’t forget to keep the windows closed.