Where my dicks at?
I often forget that not everyone likes my sense of humor/personality. I don’t mean that as arrogant as it sounds, it’s just that I am pretty well insulated with friends/loved ones that take little notice of any rude/tacky/dirty comments I might make. For that matter, I take a lot of that shit from them, too.
So when one of my dear friends, Tiff, asked me to come celebrate her handsome fellas b-day in surprise fashion, I thought it would be fun. After two glasses of wine, I grabbed my A#1 date and showed up at the delish new Thai place called Regent (across from Rosemary’s Thyme on S and 18th).
We showed up on time and there was another couple there. The chick was a real ballbuster and not very nice to her b/f. This snappy attitude makes me feel uncomfortable for the guy. It really sucks when he is clearly broken from all the wear and tear of being in a bitchy relationship. We did the whole “so…what do you do” and pretended to be interested in the other person's profession. Actually, we didn’t do a very good job at even those niceties because the chick worked for a law firm and my date is a lawyer so they had that weird exchange where she tries to make her job seem as important as a lawyer (note: I find lawyers to be gross, and I would actually choose her job any day over being a lawyer), and my date was like yeah, that sounds cool…and then he ordered another beer.
Finally the b-day boy and Tiff arrived, and we heard about their trip abroad and all was fine with the three couples. But then four more people showed up including “the married couple.” They were really into how happy and married they were. They only knew each other less than a year, and they just went for it, and they have been sooooo happy ever since.
What did not make me happy was the tiny ass skirt she was wearing and shouldn’t have been…and I don’t mean because it’s a snowy Monday evening at a casual party, okay. I am all for slutting it up, but it was just awkward. She also had NEW BOOTS!!!!! that she kept showing off by (gasp) raising her leg at the dinner table. Yeah, and she was sober…unlike me and my date.
The most inappropriate conversation I had was about strippers. This is a favorite topic of mine with boring, uptight crowds. I love to talk about the best strip clubs in DC, ask guys awkwardly in front of their date/gf/wife if they have a favorite strip club and then talk about how great Lexus Gold is because it’s classy and doesn’t have the smell of Camelot. That was a personal highlight for the evening. I then gave a lecture to a guy who explained he doesn’t tip when he goes to strip clubs. I almost punched him. His rational, I think, had more to do with his own guilt and if he didn't tip, it somehow "didn't count." Disgusting. That's just asking for some STD karma.
I am pretty sure none of those people liked me. I mean I got gasps when I used the word “cock” in conversation—who are these people? I’ve been to worse dinners, and I’ve been to better. But after that was over, I was comforted in knowing my friends may be dicks, but they’re my dicks.