Sunday, December 18, 2005

It’s angsty, and I don’t care


It’s funny when people say something “is a sign.” I’m not religious so I don’t see why there would be such a thing as signs, and even when I was religious, the idea of a deity taking time out of feeding children or saving puppies to guide me in what I do on a Thursday night was a little too creepy. But I do believe people see signs, but they are something from their own subconscious that is so desperate to get out that it manifests itself in seeing a yellow dog or meeting two Marks in one day.

Tonight, my (sober) subconscious was trying to get me to feel bad about my life. Normally, I wash my sub/conscious in distractions and booze, not in that order. In fact, I drink almost every evening. Part of it is due (I think) to a genetic predisposition of alcoholism that runs in my family. My friend David explained to me that such a condition means that one uses alcohol to stabilize the chemicals in their brain. Since everyone in my family appears to be manic depressive or bipolar, I feel this is a safe bet.

But the other reason is because I don’t like reality in full doses. Because, let’s face it, it ain’t pretty. Obviously my life is better than most. But, in the evenings, when there are not distractions, and I am not in front of a computer, TV or reading, I sometimes just think. It’s more wonder, actually. Often, The Strokes song, “Is this it” plays in my head. Lately, it’s been Pinback’s Summer in Abaddon album. And, most of these thoughts run quite contrary to my usual, "I’m insignificant, let’s have fun mentality." I get sad. Not for myself really, obviously, but for my lack of knowing what "it" is that makes life make sense or perhaps be fulfilling. This world is pretty fucking complicated, and I worry that I am not doing enough. And, that most people are not doing enough.

A lot of this has to do with how sad life is. Cancerous, disgusting and selfish. And no matter what I do, no matter how much I give, it won’t ever do that much. And that’s just our condition. So I distract, distract, distract. With TV, alcohol, work, friends, love, family…I just distract from all those cold ignored realities. And why sweat it? Everyone else ignores it, too.

And there is little I can do. Maybe I should just make amazing wine and great TV…admit what I am, what our species is and will always be and become a part of the distracting solution…create lies and give people hope. Truth was the worst thing to come out of Pandora’s box. A second cousin of knowledge, it didn’t come from the devil for no reason.

An interesting question was posed to me tonight. In the X-Men comic series, there are basically two sides of mutants. Those with Professor X and those with Magneto. The professor’s X-Men want to save the human race, whereas Magneto wants to end it and let mutants, the next step in evolution, rule. And what would your choice be? What have we really done that is worth saving?

10 Comments:

Anonymous merlin said...

Worth saving? Perhaps snowflakes? Yes that's it, a world without snowflakes wouldn't be worth living in. Snowflakes, either mutant or human, yes that surely must be the answer.

11:35 PM  
Blogger rtisbute said...

A symbiotic reationship would be nice. :)

1:42 AM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

I'm going to try as hard as I can to keep this brief.

One of the many marvelous functions of human consciousness has to do with selecting what an individual is going to pay attention to. For instance you buy a black Passat. It's only then that you start seeing black Passats everywhere even though obviously they've been on the roads - you just never noticed till you got one yourself. Do you know what I'm talking about? The selection function of human consciousness is why goal setting works. You make a goal, which sets up your consciousness to scan for whatever it is you need to make that goal a reality. The mind is so amazing.

Life is a lot of things, the world is complex. You can focus on the ugliness or not, as you choose. Some people focus too much on all that's pretty and light. Those people are so annoying, don't you think? Many focus solely on what's dark and heavy. Alchohol is a depressant and tends to refocus consciousness on what's not so great. I believe remorse is a component of every hangover which is not a great emotional state to walk around in. It makes "reality" (whatever that is) look pretty unsavory.

Signs are everywhere, available for anyone at any time. I can't imagine a God that has to take time away from hungry children to set up a series of clues for me. In my mind, the world is an impossibly complex interconnected tapestry. Signs are simply a piece of the fabric of reality that I take the time to notice, because I'm curious, not because I'm religious. Working with signs is my way of being in relationship with the world. I wonder if this makes sense.

I hope you will listen to your dreams and nightmares, work with them. I hope you'll take a night or two off from drinking, just to see what your mind comes up with. Who needs the X-men? The life of the unconscious is every bit as entertaining, and free.

Thinking about you with a lot of warmth.

9:41 AM  
Blogger V said...

Thanks for these thoughts--

10:36 AM  
Blogger Dan said...

Sleep is my elixir of choice. Lie down, put a pillow over my head and off I go to a wonderland of beauty and adventure... Naps are the best

12:24 PM  
Blogger Complacent Chase said...

In regards to Professor X and Magneto; Professor X is empathetic and is connected to everyone by his ability to read their thoughts. One could argue that you couldn't help but be compassionate if you know everyone's inner most thoughts. But then again, he doesn't really care about humans...I think he feels pity for them. If you could read everyone's inner most thoughts...you would know their fears and realize that is what drives most.

Magneto is driven by hate. He was discriminated against and made to think that there was something wrong with him for years. He coined himself a freak because of his uniqueness. However, once he realized that people were really just scared of him...he turned his own fear into anger and hate and now is hellbent on destryoing his old oppressors. Magneto feels better about himself because he feels superior because of the fear he causes.

So, who would I side with? Well, they both want to be accepted for what they are...they just have different approaches. Ironically though, they are just as fearful of the humans as they are of them.
And anytime fear drives you (whether you are humans or mutants), well...that's just sad.

I believe that you gotta be bold...because life may very well be our last one to live. You gotta get out there and do what you want. You have to accept the consequences and rewards as they come.

So, I guess I wouldn't save either one. I would want to be something passive...like a river or cloud.
I don't know, I think I am completely off ona tangent right now. I'm probably not making sense either.
What was I talking about?
Hmmmmm....

7:39 PM  
Blogger Swamp Pundette said...

I highly recommend watching "I Heart Huckabees".

Or, decide to view life as a novel, ripe for English grad students to draw way too much out of.

11:38 PM  
Blogger rtisbute said...

I response to what "Chase-ing Complacency" said...

I believe Professor X feels strongly for everyone and cherishes the uniqueness of each life form, either mutant or human. Charles Xavier is just a person with extraordinary abilities who wants to help others. It is this difference that seperates Xavier from Magneto. The difference of using ones power in a positive way versus a negitive way. Professor X has chosen the noble path and is trying to save his friend Magneto, while Magneto is lost because of his childhood experiences. Magneto must unlearn what he has learned from his difficult past. Not even Professor X is powerfull enough to convince Magento of this, Magneto must realize it for himself.

12:34 AM  
Blogger V said...

Chase: I love your X-Men knowledge, that is SO cool...The Beast is my favorite, FYI...

Swamp: Yes, I also like that movie, but the whole "somewhere in the middle of the two extremes" doesn't really do it for me.

Rtisbute: But there is also the idea that Magneto has seen the cruelty of this world and wants to move beyond it...sometimes things just can't be healed.

11:11 AM  
Blogger Complacent Chase said...

Nerd -------->
(ha ha)

4:23 PM  

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