It’s angsty, and I don’t care
It’s funny when people say something “is a sign.” I’m not religious so I don’t see why there would be such a thing as signs, and even when I was religious, the idea of a deity taking time out of feeding children or saving puppies to guide me in what I do on a Thursday night was a little too creepy. But I do believe people see signs, but they are something from their own subconscious that is so desperate to get out that it manifests itself in seeing a yellow dog or meeting two Marks in one day.
Tonight, my (sober) subconscious was trying to get me to feel bad about my life. Normally, I wash my sub/conscious in distractions and booze, not in that order. In fact, I drink almost every evening. Part of it is due (I think) to a genetic predisposition of alcoholism that runs in my family. My friend David explained to me that such a condition means that one uses alcohol to stabilize the chemicals in their brain. Since everyone in my family appears to be manic depressive or bipolar, I feel this is a safe bet.
But the other reason is because I don’t like reality in full doses. Because, let’s face it, it ain’t pretty. Obviously my life is better than most. But, in the evenings, when there are not distractions, and I am not in front of a computer, TV or reading, I sometimes just think. It’s more wonder, actually. Often, The Strokes song, “Is this it” plays in my head. Lately, it’s been Pinback’s Summer in Abaddon album. And, most of these thoughts run quite contrary to my usual, "I’m insignificant, let’s have fun mentality." I get sad. Not for myself really, obviously, but for my lack of knowing what "it" is that makes life make sense or perhaps be fulfilling. This world is pretty fucking complicated, and I worry that I am not doing enough. And, that most people are not doing enough.
A lot of this has to do with how sad life is. Cancerous, disgusting and selfish. And no matter what I do, no matter how much I give, it won’t ever do that much. And that’s just our condition. So I distract, distract, distract. With TV, alcohol, work, friends, love, family…I just distract from all those cold ignored realities. And why sweat it? Everyone else ignores it, too.
And there is little I can do. Maybe I should just make amazing wine and great TV…admit what I am, what our species is and will always be and become a part of the distracting solution…create lies and give people hope. Truth was the worst thing to come out of Pandora’s box. A second cousin of knowledge, it didn’t come from the devil for no reason.
An interesting question was posed to me tonight. In the X-Men comic series, there are basically two sides of mutants. Those with Professor X and those with Magneto. The professor’s X-Men want to save the human race, whereas Magneto wants to end it and let mutants, the next step in evolution, rule. And what would your choice be? What have we really done that is worth saving?