Thursday, September 15, 2005

What's not the matter with Kansas? (snap)

Well, here I sit. Friends of mine are off with lesbian strippers. Probably drunk having the best time of their entire life. But, I was able to help my stranded coworkers get some Bush-response press releases out so that's cool, too. Also, I don't have a dick. And, I am not a lesbian stripper (yet). Ah, the bachelor party. What a good idea. Of course it just sucks because (of course) no one can tell the bride.

I feel pretty good about my understanding of dudes. Dudes seem pretty easy to figure out. About 95% of them just want some regular, moderately attractive ass that is there for them when they are ready to settle down for a spell. For dudes not at this stage then it's a crap shoot.

But ladies,
if you are with a nice guy who treats you well and seems to be pretty into you, then may I recommend a few tips to keep him around longer (unless you don't want to keep him a la How to Lose a Guy in blah, blah then do these things).

1. Stop bitching. Look, the more you bitch the more his friends hate you and he stops listening when you speak. You open mouth to bitch he close ears to think of pussy...not yours.

2. Don't whine for attention. So he's been busy or checking out other girls or stuff. You are pissed but can't say anything because it would be lame. So you pick and pick and pick. Stop it. It is not worth it. Think about how little it matters and how he doesn't throw all the stupid shit you do in your face. For example, to use generalizations (obviously) think about your need to tell him all sorts of stuff. Or how you need to talk about new clothes or any topic you KNOW he is not interested in. Okay, in much the same way, I think dudes need to check out girls and think about other girls. I also think girls do these things, but I'm not on that topic.

3. Be surprisingly cool. I am of the persuasion that you can talk yourself into being rational. I think most emotional responses are irrational (love them as I do). It is important to work really hard to pull yourself out of the situation and think about if it is worth being a bitch about it. Because let's face it, when you are comfortable with a go from BJ to bitch in like 2.6.

4. If you trust him, trust him. He going out with the boys then don't bitch...he's going to a bachelor party then don't bitch...he's talking about an attractive young girl he met then don't bitch. Jealously is GROSS. And, it gets you no where (unless he's into it and that's a different issue altogether).

I realize this might seem a little rude to girls or maybe stereotyping too much. And, you'd be right. But the fact is it makes me sad to see dudes with broken spirits due to getting in a bad situation with some nice girl turned hag.

I will work on a list in reverse for the ladies, but let's be honest, it's much easier for dudes.

Time to go to bed. There are poodles on the wallpaper.


Blogger Asian Mistress said...

I enjoyed that list V. :)

11:03 AM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

good rules. it is hard to stay cool, but in the long run it makes for a much happier level of communication.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Cleveland Park Men's Club said...

You have just risen to be one of the coolest girls I know. (Sans the helping of your friend dupe his old mother, but that is another story).

1:01 PM  
Blogger Kyle Foley said...

I feel pretty good about my understanding of dudes. Dudes seem pretty easy to figure out. About 95% of them just want some regular, moderately attractive ass that is there for them when they are ready to settle down for a spell. For dudes not at this stage then it's a crap shoot.

although it's true that men are more slave to the libido, the toxins of breasts molesting them, flash-pains!, rip!, it is also true that the monogamous instinct is strong, robust, a rhino charging on the plains, a cheetah killing its prey. this instinct for family governs us, rules us, hefner's bizarre obsession with labia an outcast and parriah, zilch! fume! but the polygamous instinct nevertheless is with us, seducing us, victoria secret so omni-alluring and pan-beautiful - irregardless with hard work, dedication, and effort i will one day persuade laura that i am worth her jasmine.

1:28 PM  
Blogger Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

I hate when the toxins of breasts molest me. So irritating.

3:23 PM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

But...Kansas has a bison on its state quarter. Big ups.

3:53 PM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

On a more serious note, I agree with every single point. There is nothing rude's reality. The more at ease you are, the more a guy is going to be intrigued.

On #4: If you don't trust him, get the hell out of the relationship.

4:00 PM  
Anonymous foley fo' shizzle said...

is that ta say, Lord, that if i be hold out mah hand long
enough n wait, You wizzle give me that whiznich i most
ardently desire, namely, possession totalizzle n
complètican of laura’s soul?
shot calla a month of half-hearted commitment
once again i have resolved that no nigga femme
will be touch me lest it be she
who be inspired mah 450 page novel.

yet i desperately be need You, Lord,
ta confirm tha wisdom of mah decision,
rose-pizzles ridin' in sizzun,
jasmine-flare shinn'n in omen,
swan-presage float'n on horiza.

i need guidance, light n fruit,
i pimp fo` direction, regulizzle n managizzle
i be confused, bewildered n baffled.

7:08 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

V.. that list is amazing. I can say no more

8:52 AM  
Blogger Floyd said...

Slightly off-topic - props to Circle V for confronting that priest about the injustice done to social issues by the Catholic church. I don't deny doubting you, but as usual, you impressed once again. Another wedding, another awkward yet rewarding encounter between Circle V and the clergy. I wouldn't expect less.

8:47 AM  
Blogger V said...

Floyd: Yeah, it was a good chat with the priest and you know I love those fags :)

It was very cool, and thanks for the dance, too (it may be a little known floyd fact that he can in fact, dance).

10:11 AM  
Anonymous Silent Lurker no More! said...

There's a fine line between being snarky, witty, and clever and being vapid, heartless, and cold. Calling priests "fags" just because you disagree with the Catholic religion has crossed that line for me. I've been a silent lurker of your blog for a while. But, your last few posts have crossed more than a few lines for me. I don't have to agree with what a writer writes in order for me to believe that they are a "good writer", but you have proven yourself lately to be trashy, nasty, and hateful. I will choose not to visit your site from now on. Thank you for reminding me why it is that I believe that being classy is a must.

10:50 AM  
Blogger V said...

Silent lurker: That's fine as I promise calling priests fags (which for the record some fact, I know a couple who are) is certainly not going to be the worst of it.

I didn't say it AT ALL because I disagree with the Catholic religion. It's a JOKE. Seriously, chill out. I live in dupont. I love the fags I know and I love the priests I know and I even love the priests that are fags that i know. Peace.

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know...I'm with SL on this one. You've just turned from funny to trashy on the past few posts. So, thanks for the warning because if this is truly "not going to be the worst of it", then I don't want to stick around either.

Besides -- I think I have you pegged: I think, based on what you've given us in your posts, that you are one of those people who are really fun at first. People think you're cool with the way you talk, curse, and unabashedly give your loud opinion without shame. But then, people tire of you. I'm guessing your the type of girl at the bar that curses just a little too loud and drinks just a little too much and, while fun at first, wears people down and becomes, quite frankly, embarassing. DC is filled with girls just like you.

And, I shall read about your escapades no longer. Peace.

12:15 PM  
Blogger V said...

Trashy? Maybe, I am from Oklahoma. Embarrassing? Upon occasion, especially when citron vodka and uptight people are involved.

But this shitty blog, for the record, is just a fun little outlet for me to make some jokes and half-assed observations about life and my favorite topic, people.

I wouldn't really say it's "a window into my soul" or anything. And, I am not so sure that’s how I act at bars, but thanks for the assessment--I actually think I curse and drink WAY too much, thank you.

12:32 PM  
Blogger Floyd said...

How funny - the fact that you drink too much, talk too loud, wear other people down and embarrass yourself is exactly why I enjoy your company - it's entertaining, often informative, and makes me feel better about myself.

And when it comes right down to it, some people hate honesty. It ruins their cute little sitcom world where being polite is more important than being right.

3:37 PM  
Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Lose a few readers, gain a few readers. That was an awesome list, V.

Do I have your permission to assemble it into a four-color, illustrated pamphlet and hand it out to future prospective girlfriends?

4:04 PM  
Blogger V said...

Floyd: Well said, thanks.

A Unique Alias: Of course, I am working on adding on due to a recent situation...more to come.

4:09 PM  

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