Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Being alone or the plague?

One of my friends has a little problem. She wants to be married. “Who doesn’t?” you ask. Me for one. And every other friend I have that lives in DC. Let’s call my friend Melanie.

Melanie has done match.com and other such dating services. She dreams of being the mom and taking care of the home. I certainly believe she should do whatever makes her happy. But JESUS, getting to that point is exhausting. Most recently she met a guy name Doug from one of the online services. He was into her and I think they have been seeing each other for one month TOPS. And that may be a total of 10 hang out/sex/dinner occasions.

Then Melanie pops the big question to Doug that I imagine most dudes (and many, many girls) dread: “Where do you see this going?” Which translates to: “I like you enough that I am willing to dedicate years and years to you and want to meet your family, have your babies, grow old together, buy a house, cars, vacation together forever and ever and be your soul mate for eternity (“which is a pretty, pretty, pretty long time”—Larry David)…please, please, please do you feel the same?”

Holy crap. So it should be no surprise that the answer to that question was “I’ll think about it.” And the next day she got dumped outside DSW. She was a crying fool, hypothesizing that “There’s something wrong with me, it’s me isn’t that why guys don’t want to be with me?”

The short answer: “Hell, fucking yes it’s you.”

The long answer: “At this stage in our life, people who are not committed to someone or not looking for just ass or not sexually confused, need time to find the person that they want to commitment an important portion of their life. Twenties are the golden years, and if you want him to want you, it’s gotta be on his time. If it’s that 1) he’s not worth it 2) it’ll take too long for him to want you or 3) you really, really, really want to be married NOW, then you’re probably in this for the wrong reasons, especially if it’s all three.

You are a smart, attractive woman—how about you enjoy your life a little sans dating obsession? Unless there is a ticker on when your ass is going to explode and no dude will look twice again (which there is not) let’s just chill and enjoy a time when you have few obligations and many friends.”

Of course none of this matters. She is in the marriage zone and there ain’t no turning this train around. And what really sucks is you can just smell it when people want a relationship. It’s like a scary repellent that makes you want to head for the hills of sluts and evasive noncommittal relationships. I feel sorry for Melanie because what desperation tells me is that she will settle. Probably settle BIG for some loser who will treat her okay (but not as good as she deserved) and most definitely cheat. And, she’ll always forgive him because she never learned the value of self-respect and being alone and that often being a good thing.

23 Comments:

Anonymous foley fo' shizzle said...

Melanie has dizzy match.com n bitch such pimpin` services. She dreams of being tha mom n messin' care of tha hizzy . Subscribe biatch, get yo issue.. I certainly believe she should do crazy ass thug makes her happy cuz its a pimp thang. But JESUS, steppin' ta thizzay point is exhaust'n. Mizzost recently she met a homey name Doug fizzle one of tha online services to increase tha peace. He was into her n I think they hizzle been doggy stylin' each otha fo` one mizzonth TOPS motha fucka. And thiznat may be a total of 10 H-to-tha-izzang pimp occasions to increase tha peace. Snoop is in that biatch too.

3:00 PM  
Blogger A Unique Alias said...

"Probably settle BIG"

. . . and always be a little disappointed, always wonder what she should have done differently, and both parties will hate their lives until they die or divorce and even then have to look back on years and years of wasted youth.

3:09 PM  
Anonymous rcr said...

You always have to ask yourself: are you in love with this person, or are you just in love with idea of having someone. I think too many people, girls and guys alike, are simply in love with the idea of not being lonely.

My variation of Murphy's law is that if you want something too much, you'll never get it. So you have to condition yourself to not want it. Then it will probably come.

3:56 PM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

Although sometimes I feel I want a relationship - I know that right now I'm just having fun enjoying life and doing what I want to do, being selfish for once.

And, if a relationship comes of it, so be it...but I definitely don't want to just settle yet...if one comes along, I will happily accept it - but if not, I'm having a fabulous time doing what I want to do.

Melanie needs to chill and realize that "you can't hurry love." She will meka herself a much more viable marriage candidate by experiencing all she can while she can and noe holding back and missing out on something really great by pushing herself into the marriage corner.

4:36 PM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

*make herself

*not holding back

...and of course I'm being facetious saying "viable marriage candidate"

4:43 PM  
Blogger Complacent Chase said...

I hope your friend doesn't settle just because she wants to be married.
It's a shame that people are afraid to be alone or feel that they must rush the process of a relationship.
I hope "Melanie" learns to love herself and accept that it is okay for her to be single and that she has time to meet the guy she will marry.

5:05 PM  
Blogger V said...

Thanks ladies and fellas...that's good advice. I will pass it along to her and I (as always) appreciate your comments.

6:36 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

Yeah the line between settling down and just settling should not be as blurred for your friend. For crying out loud I'm 24 years old and so far from ready for marriage that I can't see it with binoculars - what's the hurry? Until I'm into someone and ready for marriage for all the right reasons I'm not rushing... why should anyone else?

10:52 PM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

This makes me so very, very sad...why can't women just chill!!

10:14 AM  
Blogger cuff said...

I don't understand the "marriage jones" that your friend Melanie has. Marriage should be something that if it developes it should develop organically from a relationship; it shouldn't be the reason to get into a relationship.

Marriage isn't something to check off your list of "things to do before I'm 30."

10:25 AM  
Blogger Manolos R My Life said...

I think I am ready to get married, have children, and settle down, but I obsessing over it. I figure that when the right person comes along, I'll know it. I don't need to go "searching for a husband." Like they say, "good things come to those who wait." Or, "A watched pot never boils." (this may be a little cliche but it works)

3:50 PM  
Blogger Elvis said...

Cookie, Chase, I'm afraid to be alone. I'm also ashamed to be alone. I feel like a shot glass without the whisky. Hold me.

4:16 PM  
Anonymous datingrulesforsitcoms said...

I didn't think the 20's were the golden years...I thought they were brutal.

When a guy is ready to get married...there is no stopping him. But if he's not ready...then there is no convincing him. I've been where Melanie is...and it's not a good place to be. Sometimes it's like a little like having a fever...you have to wait til it breaks and then you feel better.

I don't know how you get to that place where woman who is ready to marry and guy who is ready to marry meet and come to an agreement. Pure dumb luck if you want to call it that. If she thinks marriage is the only thing to make her happy...then there is no convincing her otherwise.

I wouldn't be so harsh on her and her situation...although it's rough watching her on the outside...trust me...she's in hell right now and I feel for her.

9:11 AM  
Blogger V said...

Dating rules: You are right it is an awful place to be in. I am planning on chatting with her (in a nice way) about it soon.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Lonnie Bruner said...

Nothing like a little cynicism every now and again ...

6:08 PM  
Blogger Siryn said...

I feel for her. The marriage jones can come about for a number of reasons, advancing age being one of them. If she's under 35, she needs to get some perspective and realize that she's too young to be jonesing!

But a little independence and self-esteem goes a long way to keep you from doing crazy things, like settling for someone that doesn't blow you away. AUA is right on the money.

What's funny? Guys around here complain about girls being too picky and needing to lower their standards. When it comes to the material things... yeah, probably so, for many women. But the intangibles?

I don't hate myself enough to get into another relationship where I'm constantly disappointed or lonely. Melanie shouldn't, either.

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