Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Lady on the street and a freak in the bed.

Perhaps these tips are from the 1950's...here is the extended 05 version (see previous post) of how to make him feel special (and keep him on the porch) featuring Floyd:

1. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when your boyfriend/husband arrives. Some women need a bit more time. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. Take three shots of tequila. No honey, just do it. It makes any oral sex experience that much better. You will be horny, ready to grind and maybe already have your top off by the time he comes home. Some women need a little bit more than others. Very true. Take five shots. Maybe wash it down with a couple Corona Lites. Touch up your make-up. We all know that mascara is sliding down your face. Make sure it's waterproof. Let's be freshly fuckable looking, please. You know what to do with that ribbon you dirty, dirty girl.

2. Be happy and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Now that the tequila is done, brush your teeth. You don't want him thinking you have to get drunk to go down or get f'd in the A now do you? You are certainly much happier to see him and his boring as shit day will suddenly be hilarious. Give his banana hammock a lift. It's one of your duties.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house/apartment just before your partner arrives. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. You know how you've been saving that sex swing for a special occasion? Well, tonight may just be it. Hook that up. Get out the anal beads and feather duster. Put out the whipped cream and KY heat on impact lube (it's his favorite).

4. Be happy to see him. Alright, this might be a stretch. But what you can be happy about is not having to drink alone and he's been tested. Maybe. Pretend like he's got a bulge in his pocket. And it might just be from Cartier or pills, pills, beautiful pills.

5. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. This is where you're going to need to get out the pop rocks. Sure you stink of tequila, but with the proper blow job, he'll let those alcoholic worries melt away. Mind the stepchildren.

6. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Greet him topless and bopping. He loves the bounce almost as much as you greeting him with your hot Asian roommate and lube. And, lap dance, lap dance, lap dance.

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. To make him most comfortable go for back rub with release or dinner and a movie with release or lap dance with release.

Other tips from America's favorite romantic Floyd Masterson:

8. Shut up.

9. No, seriously: Shut up. The last thing he wants to hear right now is your voice.

10. Now please, can we just watch TV in silence for a bit? We can talk later.

11. Never, under any circumstance, nag after work. Work is for work; home is for relaxation. The bills will get paid, and we'll fix the fucking comforter problem later, so please just shut the fuck up and let me watch this goddam game before I completely lose my shit. Oh, what, are you crying? You're crying now? Fuck.


Anonymous Sam said...

Hmm...someone sounds a tad bit jaded...

2:57 PM  
Blogger V said...

Just being playful, sam.

4:14 PM  
Blogger J. Serpentine said...

Jaded? I'll take it. Whatever the ladies need to get in the mood.

7:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never nag or complain about your day while giving a blow job is important, don't overlook this.

4:58 AM  
Blogger Natty G said...

Note to self: Answer in the affirmative should V ever want to play house...

2:45 PM  

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