Monday, June 20, 2005

Sin Tab

V Note: I am sorry I was not able to post anything while I was gone, but let's be honest, you assholes don't care anyway. I am, however, sincerely sorry I am not able to post the pictures that would nicely accompany this post. Maybe I will work on that tonight. Who wants to consolidate student loans anyway?

Since I was in the goddamn buckle of the Bible belt most of last week, I felt it appropriate to run a little tab of sins committed while there. Also because I saw more preachers and churches this past weekend than I have in at least six months, I also feel a little more in the judge-y loop.

1. Gambled—There is little to do in Miami, but with the ever-growing number of Indian casinos, we at least have something else to do besides drinkin on dirt roads and make-out parties in parents' basements. I enjoy blackjack a lot and one of my high school chums is a dealer so he helped my loose my money in a more respectable way. I was actually doing really well, but the beer was cheap and delicious, and soon I got drunk and made outrageous bets for no good reason. Fun times though.

2. Drank—Though there was gambling to do, we still did a lot of drinkin. Even my parents let me throw a little par-tae in honor of so many people being in town for the big wedding. My parents are pretty strict about parties with the A growing up, but they have really relaxed in their old age. They didn't even seem to mind my little brother's underage friends kicking back a few (they are all almost 21).

3. Danced— Also exciting is that Quapaw Casino has a hot little bar room with a dance floor. On my last night in town we all went and did some dirty dancing. At one point I am told my boob made a quick appearance. That was kind of funny.

4. Cursed—This happens all the time, but I had to watch it as it was wall-to-wall zealots at a couple points.

5. Made light of a religious sacrament (marriage)—Let's be honest, marriage jokes are funny. Also, if I get asked one more time when "it's my turn," I may puke. Don't get me wrong, after being in six weddings, I fully support it as a great public symbol of commitment. But seriously, do we have to look our long noses down at all the unwed wenches? At one (rather awkward) point after someone asked me "when's yer turn?" I just said "When I get off the sauce and get my emotional detachment issues worked out, I might be able to find some sucker." So rude.

6. Made lots of virgin jokes—Yeah, let's just say there was only one person who technically should be wearing white, and he wasn’t.

7. Attended a concert that had non-religious music—I went to the second country music concert of my life (Reba McIntire was my first concert ever) so I could hang out with my friend Meg and my little brother. I had a surreal kind of moment as we parked my parents car in this big field under an amazing sunset and drank cheap, warm champage before going into see Cross Canadian Ragweed (CCR) from Stillwater, Oklahoma.

8. Lusted after a married man (unknowingly, then knowingly): Holy shit. The CCR lead singer was hot. Covered in tasty tattoos and with Kurt Cobain-esque good looks this country singer with a Seattle twist had it goin on. He also smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish and had an entire song dedicated to "Oklahoma boys roll their joints all wrong." He was, like, totally complicated. He was also, like, totally married with a wife that was, like, seven months preggers. Sigh.

9. Wanted to be high. A lot.—For whatever reason this CCR band was really into pot and so were the fans. Not this fan, but everyone fucking else was stoned. Also weird was that there were lots of dudes clamoring to be in the front. This was a straight country band so WTF? I just thought tan girls in tiny shorts would be on the front row. They were all shoved to the back and had to stand on chairs to ensure tube tops were adequately admired. Oh, and lots of fake boobs. Oklahoma is really on the grow.

10. Wished I had a date that would include sex (of the unmarried kind)-- My one shot at a date had to study for something silly like "the bar" so I was left stag-o-licous. All the other bridesmaids had dates so that was cool. Fortunately, I am reading a really trashy period piece right now so I made it though.

11. Made fun of a church--Okay, this is NOT my fault because I'm sorry, but if you buy a Wal-Mart and renovate it into a church, you are just asking, asking for people to mock you and your place of holy worship. Seriously, a Wal-Mart? That is so middle class. FYI: If anyone wants to do an interesting piece for the New Yorker, I think seeing what old Wal-Marts are turned into would be pretty sweet. You can start with the First Christian Church in Miami, Ok if you like.

I feel like this pretty much covers all the sin bases. Eleven pretty bad sins in five days ain't bad at all. Oh, I also lied (Yes, I love my bridesmaid dress, I think I look great and not at all like some silver orca with an awful up-do and nasty zebra ass tan line.)


Blogger cuff said...

Beautiful story. Should have worked harder on the fornication part, though.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

sounds like a FANTASTIC time :)

2:19 PM  
Blogger Natty G said...

No one needs to be studying for the bar yet. That's what July is for.

2:36 PM  
Anonymous cjt said...

Central FL has it all over OK and Miami for mockable churches. They even had Tammy Faye Bakker open one in an industrial park.

The state made her close it though, the fumes from the welding shop next door were drifting into the services.

3:01 PM  

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