Friday, June 03, 2005

From Paco with love

V Note: I really enjoyed this posting on a blog my friend posts on. Though blogger Paco Delicious from The Force Recon is not said friend, I wanted to share his/her funny post.

Just Call the Hotline, Mark!

"Anyone who sees wrongdoing has an obligation ... to report that wrongdoing to the Department of Justice or to the proper authorities in the department," Rumsfeld said. "I wouldn't want to leave any ambiguity about that."

Myers said workers have access to telephone hotlines to report fraud, waste and abuse and whistleblower protection laws to shield them. - By Chris Strohm, govexec.com

One can imagine an exchange between Mark Felt and a “whistleblower service representative” at the Justice Dept.

[Automated Voice: This call will be recorded for quality assurance purposes.]

WSR: Good morning! Thanks for calling the Justice Dept. whistleblower hotline, my name is Julie, how can I help you today?

MF: Uh, yeah, um, I’m an uh, employee of the Justice Dept. and I’ve got some, um, wrongdoing to report.

WSR: Yes of course, sir. May I have your full name, social security, employee number and pin please?

MF: Um, I’m not sure if I feel comfortable giving you that information, I kind of just want to report the wrongdoing and hang up.

WSR: [Pause….]Um, yes sir, in that case you will have to fill out our anonymous whistleblower application, notarize it, and file it in triplicate with the person you are complaining about, the Sec Def’s office, and the Attorney General. What is the nature of your complaint exactly sir?

MF: Yeah, um, it’s a complex criminal conspiracy undertaken by the White House, the Attorney General, the head of the FBI, and members of the CIA to cover up the President’s efforts to silence the FBI’s own investigation into the Watergate break-in.

WSR: [Long pause……] Is this a crank call, because if it is then..

MF: [Interrupting] Listen lady, the President is using campaign contributions to spy on the opposition and is now conspiring to cover it up with the complicity of the Attorney General and the CIA. This is serious business.

WSR: Um sir, this is the Justice Dept. help-line. We usually deal with employees who are reporting that the GSA is violating policy by refusing to stock the 5th floor bathrooms in the Pentagon with two-ply toilet paper; or that someone has “appropriated” a cabinet level parking space at the Ronald Reagan building. We usually don’t deal with stuff like…

MF: [Interrupting…] Look lady, we’re on the verge of a constitutional crisis here! Where are you anyway?

WSR: A call center in Bangalore.

MF: Your name isn’t Judy, is it?

WSR: No. It’s Jasminder.

MF: [Mutters…] Unbelievable. Anyway, look, I just wanted to alert the Justice Dept. that there is this major criminal conspiracy going on that reaches the top levels of our government!

WSR: Right. I see. [Pause….] Uh, sir, I’m going to have you speak to my supervisor.

MF: Look I gotta go, just follow the money, follow the money!

[Click…..]

WSR: [In background…] He hung up! Get a trace, get a trace!

-30-

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